It's been a week, but that doesn't change the fact that I am all about the 'Congratulations Bob!' Sole Survivor, and last man standing from 'Survivor: Gabon' (pronounced Ga-bone, or ga-BONE!!!, Gaaa-bOOOOOOne - give it a go, it's the most fun I've had with a Survivor title so far). Bob, the 57 year-old physics teacher grabbed both the million dollar grand prize and the $100,000 Fan Favourite title, becoming the first Survivor Castaway to earn himself enough votes from both his castaway peers and the die-hard fans to win it all, twice.
When asked where he got the items used to make the fake Hidden Immunity Idol, Bob said 'I take stuff'.
Need a recap. Man, this was a great season, you should be watching this stuff. Commit People, Commit:
The guy deserved it. 'Bob, the 57 year-old physics teacher'; this is how survivors are labelled, Name, Age, Profession. But Bob is so much more than just 'the old guy' or the 'crazy physics lab-coat'... Bob is the old-guy-crazy-physics-lab-coat who does it all. A genuinely nice, caring guy, who built strong friendships and managed to fly-under-the-radar while winning challenge after challenge, Bob was not just a provider at camp he was a camp architect. For many structuring a solid shelter would be enough, but Bob built his tribe a bench, a cooking station, and a sun-dial giving them luxurious comfort that the other tribe couldn't even imagine (the other tribe was a huge disaster, and that was really fun to watch - I don't know what it is about seeing Mean People suffer, but I get a kick out of it). Outwit, Outplay, Outlast: how about creating not one but two fake Hidden Immunity Idols for a little of the Outwit. Both idols ended up fooling people right out of the game, leaving Bob to Outwit his way in and out of ruthless alliances as they fell apart around him. After chasing records for 'number of challenges' won in a row, Bob couldn't extend his streak in the last Immunity competition leaving him open for a seemly guaranteed exit. But once again, with a target covering his whole game, he grab a crucial vote, which forced a tie breaker, which he had anticipated earlier in the day and practiced for. He was able to build fire like Survivorman Meets Bear Grylls, he made it to the final three, and he won himself $1,000,000.
GC: I don't even know the guys real name. Who care though; he was elected by his tribe to be their leader, 18 hours later he quit the position, then he quit the game.
Crystal: Most unimpressive Gold Medal Olympian to ever have an 'Unathletic Montage' on national television.
Ace: Everyone was so convinced that this character was a snake, that the season's most burning question was whether his posh brittish accent was a fake.
Okay so it's not a great recap, but that's what you get for slacking. It's Survivor, it's entertaining, get off your high horse and watch already.
True this was a great season. It was full of twists and turns and I really never knew what was going on until another blind side / backstab / team shake up / double tribal vote-off had capped the episode leaving me wanting much, much more. In previous Survivors lines are drawn in the sand and alliances battle it out, tribes form within tribes, and eventually the underdog takes on the crew with the numbers. This Survivor was different, this Survivor was crazy. Every episode there was a new alliance of double-crossing tricksters, promising new lies, and trying to betray someone with a new version of the same deception. Physical threats were muscled out, strategists were outsmarted, Quitters quit, Good-vs-Evil turned to Evil-vs-Evil, the useless prevailed, the confident failed, under-achievers dominated, Mean was pushed around by Meaner, mistakes became the norm, Exile was an Oasis, and just when it seemed like all order in the universe was lost, Bob won.
Corinne: Don't be fooled by the picture (and stop looking at her... eyes), this is the nastiest individual to get airtime on cable. Pure Evil. And she loves everything about herself.
Sugar: Found the Hidden Immunity Idol, helped vote out the entire Jury, cried in every episode, was runner up in 'Favourite Survivor' votes after Bob, and mistakenly cared about people who wanted to feed her to the elephants. She's one of this fans favourites.
The one constant that didn't waiver with Gabon was the Jury. That bitter, irrational Jury. It's always the same; the second half of the season focuses on the development of lunatic-maniacs who sit and watch with bubbling envy as the people who threw them out of the game get closer and closer to glory. This time around, two Jury members actually stated that the final tribal council was only about revenge for them. Gory, ugly revenge. The other five voters did their worst impression of happy/caring/sane people as they unleashed a life-times worth of rage on the three finalists. At times the anger left them not only blind to the goal of the final tribal council (to figure out who they should back as overall champion of this crazy ride), but completely incoherent. There was nastiness going on here that fictional TV shows couldn't get away with. What is wrong with people? Everyone is the main character in their own little movie, expecting the world not to revolve around them, but to pick them up and carry them to a promised land where their movie is the Dark Knight or Titanic or the Departed. Their movie sucks. Their movie is the Truth About Charlie meets the never released not-funny-not-charming romantic comedy full of staged action, forced drama, and some not-cute-enough pet trying to hold the whole thing together, starring no-one, no-one, Steven Seagal, no-one, Gwyneth Paltow, and no-one. They're Bank Manager #2 whose only scene is buried on the Editing Room floor. Not everything is about you ('you' being the 7 psycho-lunatic-insane Me-Monsters who waited patiently for their turn to make absolute fools of themselves while 'wielding' the power to give someone $1,000,000). Take a break from yourself and look around, nobody likes you, because you are horrible people. Okay, there were a few exceptions, but the overall theme was 'the Jury hated life and all that was apart of it'. How is it possible that Susie almost won Survivor? This wasn't an underdog, this wasn't a 'fly-below-the-radar' player, this was an extra name at the start of the episode who made the tribe numbers equal. How did she make it to the final three you might ask, because she at no point even resembled the second-cousin-twice-removed of a 'Threat'. She barely registered a pulse on the show and the few times she found herself on camera she was either saying nothing or everything, which either way ended up being a whole lot of nothing. One of the final episodes had her rambling on about not knowing what was going on, because no one had told her what to do. Her big appeal to the Jury during the final Tribal was that she 'tried', and some such nonesense about teaching people to try, or try harder, or be one with trying to try not to give up but try something, something else, blah, blah, blah, snore, blah. In fact that was her only appeal. And still, these idiots who wanted more 'Me Time' than eternity has to offer, almost gave Susie the win. Zero votes for Sugar (a surprise front runner who really battled and fought to position herself into the finals), three votes for Susie, and four votes for Bob. Had Susie won Survivor Gabon the ten plagues of the Apocalypse would have only been the beginning. The balance of the universe would have been so disturbed that Sean Penn would be happy and I would understand America's obsession with Nascar. Television would have become so out-of-control unbarable that Ugly Betty and According to Jim might seem like a good idea. Had Susie won Survivor Gabon I would have been upset. Not 'Gosh, poor Bob, that aggrevates me, and makes me want to reconsider the Big Picture' kind of upset, I mean real, heavy frown, punch-a-baby kind of upset (I would never punch a baby, but Susie winning $1,000,000 might make me want to scole at one, maybe even call it Not-Cute - that's like 'I curse your mustash' in baby-world, it's a big deal). But thank goodness none of this needed to go down, Susie lost, Bob won, tears, laughter, elephants, the odd African Tribal celebration, all is well, and Survivor Gabon is now locked is as a classic.
Susie: Yeah, yeah, 'that's a nice picture, what a sweet looking woman, good for her for making it as far as she did' right? Wrong?! This woman is queen of her own planet, and is totally out of here mind. Picture Tells a thousand words - this one tells all the wrong ones.
Bob vs Kenny: the Professional gamer that kept getting pissed off when Bob would foil his plans to turn on Bob. At one point Kenny asked Bob why he didn't give Kenny the Individual Immunity idol, Bob said 'Cause you were going to vote me out'.
Thursday nights, 9pm, CBS. Watch it in High Def if possible, it makes the ugly uglier and the back-stabbing more back-stabby. The next round of chaos starts up in February. And in the end, lets face it, all that matters is that Probst is on the scene putting everyone in their place, telling it like it is, and flashing the odd dimple-drive smile. Watch Survivor, it's full of very... 'interesting' people (interesting, odd, strange, crazy, outrageous, bizzare, eccentric, what ever works). And if the show doesn't work for you, you're probably pretty 'interesting' yourself.
Jeff Probst: This guy is so good at hosting Survivor that a catergory at the Emmys was created so they could give him an award.
