Checking in: the Dog House

The other day I was told a story, and it was a good one. As a human who breaths on occasion and holds enough of a pulse to read this, you will not be able to deny an emotional response. I've thought about the situation from a number of sides and without exposing my own thoughts on the matter yet I will say this: I wish I had been there, and I wish it was my own story.

Our story's Hero receives a call from his girlfriend who is out with the gals for the night. It's that call that comes when 'Girls Night Out' breaks the rules and 'No Guys' becomes 'A Guy'. At this point it's entirely possible for the 'A Guy' to become 'A few Guys' to become 'A Party', but that is not the case here, that story is for another time, this story needs A Guy and Four Girls in order to work. So he joins the girls at a local bar where drinks, and laughs, and tall tales are circling the table. At a certain point during the evening a sequence of events begins to unfold which inevitably brings us to the climactic punch line. Having twice heard the story myself, I realize that once this particular discussion began, there was no way of avoiding the controversial outcome.

Of the four girls, the one that is holding court is not not-chubby and is not not-frustrated about it. She gets lost in a rolling momentum of irritation as she vents to the table on her current lack of success with eHarmony.com. No one is giving her a chance, all they (the men who are most likely equally irritated with the 'relationship' site) are doing is committing to not-committing to anything beyond the profile picture. You can choose to take sides on that loaded topic right now, but at this point I'm not even going to get into the mis-adventures of the On-line Dating World, or the appropriate level of importance that the relationship predators should or should not invest in physical appearance. I'm not getting into it, because compared with what's to come, it's just not as Fun.

The not not-chubby one tears on and begins to rally the troops. The direction of conversation traffic seems to have the green light down the road of 'Man is evil', 'Girl Power', 'the World isn't Fair', 'Blah blahblah Blah blah...'. Our Hero interjects. To this point he had been casually observing, and enjoying, the mysterious behaviors of the four girls on Girls-Night-Out. Like watching the TV or attending the theatre or poorly playing a video game where you later realize the controller isn't even connected to the console and for the last half hour you've been aggressively watching the 'computer' play the game while you grip the controller, our Hero was not involved. As a side note, the 'playing a video game while not playing' scenario is legitimate, I know an actual person that did this, and if it wasn't for this current story, it would be the front and centre narrative. But it's not, so our Hero interjects...

"Maybe you should just lower your expectations..." he tosses out above the table, pausing for the girls to take it all in, "like I did..." BAM!!!! There it is. While surrounded by his girlfriends she-soldiers, and our Hero's little lady herself, he enjoys the momentary uncertainty while his audience digests what he's served up. And then the silence breaks apart into a cacophony of uncontrolled laughter. Smiles circle the table. Our Hero is funny. He has captured the approval of the jury. Even the not not-chubby one, with her Man-Hating one liners seems to have forgotten her repressed rage for the moment and is indulging in a good piece of happiness. But wait. As the laughter is picked up and thrown back and forth by the four girls, one girl stops the cackling, the chuckling, and the giggles, and decides it's not funny, he's not funny, nothing about any of it is even close to funny anymore. She decides that that comment is just down right mean. She is offended, and far from pleased with him.

Any thoughts on the matter? What if I told you it's three days later and our Hero has been spending his time in and around the Dog-House. Over-reaction by his special gal? Would it make a difference if I said that The comment was disguised in dry-comedy, delivered with only a touch of a smile? Are you a believer in the 'All Comedy is rooted in the truth'? It's all fun and games until someone decides it is neither fun nor a game, that it is in fact time for the silent treatment. And so our Hero is faced with the only option that is left for Dog-House residents; the apology. And man oh man, do not mess that up. You think the Dog-House is a tough place to live, toss out a half-hearted, sarcastic 'Saurrrryy', and life will get pretty interesting pretty fast.

Having told this story to a number of people, I've heard a variety of opinions from both sides of the dilemma. Girls that think the victim of this tale is being too sensitive (never tell someone this to their face, 'Don't Pass Go, Don't Collect $200, Go Straight to the Dog-House), guys that wouldn't dare drop that kind of bomb on their girlfriends for fear of a slap in the face and a text-message break-up, and everything in between. Oddly enough the person who first sent this story my way will regularly spicy up the conversation with his own little gems of this nature, and yet when I asked him about it he thought our Hero was over the line (he was also unaware of his joking tendencies though, and was shocked to hear me toss out a couple of examples of his edgy routine).

In my opinion, which of course is the opinion of a friend of a friend, twice removed from the affected individuals, participating only as a cog in the Tall-Tale-Machine of Story Telling, I know that it depends not only on the players (the hes and the shes), the rules (friend, family, acquaintance, arch-Nemesis), and the game itself (first-date, last-date, not-a-date, never-a-date), but also on the delivery, which is guaranteed to be fully loaded with everything from too-much-body-language, to the wrong-kind-of-tone, to an uneven-casting-of-shadows-across-ones-face, depending on who's on the receiving end. In my opinion if you can evaluate all these wild and crazy variables fast enough to still seem clever and witty... before unleashing something as creative as our Hero did... and manage to walk away a Sweetheart without ruffling any not not-chubby feathers... well then, you should be teaching a class. You are superhuman. Share your knowledge of these Dark Arts.

In my opinion if someone isn't disagreeing with you, then you're not trying hard enough.

In my opinion our Hero is a Hero. Well played my friend, well played.