Attack of the Killer Chihuahuas

Queue the Deep, Raspy Trailer-Guy Voice: "DiCaprio... Crowe... in a film by Ridley Scott..." Three heavy hitters with a gazzillion oscar nods, and I'm thinking to myself... 'How fast can I get to Beverly Hills Chihuahua?' Really!? COME ON!!!!! Action-Thriller full of deception, conspiracy, Good-Guys vs Bad-Guys vs Worse-Guys, ooooor talking dogs on the adventure of a life time (and I use the word 'dog' quite loosely - a Chihuahua can't decide if it wants to be an ugly cat or a bad impression of chinese food).

Who is seeing this movie? Parents are dragging their kids to the theatre and having to field 2 hours worth of questions about why funny looking rats that can talk are cracking lame one-liners and having far-fetched mis-adventures. Stop it!!! You are warping your children, and killing the Box Office numbers. You'd be better off letting 'Quarantine' baby-sit for the afternoon, at least then we wouldn't have toddlers running around quoting Drew Barrymore's version of Chole, the diamond-clad, bootie wearing Beverly Hills Rat-Dog-Flying Squirl Chihuahua (sure they'd be battling reaccuring Nightmares for the better part of a decade, but we must make sacrifices).

Two weeks in a Row!?!?! You're killing me! Now I'll have to try and explain to my future kids one day that 'Yes, I did live through the Chihuahua ordeal' and 'No, I don't know why classic action movies like 'Eagle Eye' and 'Body of Lies' were being destroyed at the Box Office by the talking rodent/farret things'.

I've tried. I've tried to picture myself asking for a ticket to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua, but I can't come up with a scenario where that would happen; "What if it was the only movie to survive a End-of-the-Film-World Apocalypse?" Not even close. I would rather close my eyes and try to picture the Body of Lies trailer (which incidently was a two minute preview that left me beyond confused and absolutely baffled... and I desparately wanted more - so what gives). But no, the people don't want Leo, Bad-Ass Russell Crowe, and Mr. "Gladiator/Black Hawk Down/Thelma and Louise", they want the Chihuahua.

With that said, I haven't seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and who knows it could be amazing... highly doubtful, but stranger things have happened... nothing comes to mind, but you never know. All I can hope for at this point is that Wahlberg's Max Payne will end the evil tirade of this mutant-mouse-donkey-cross, and order can restored to the Box Office Universe.

Max Payne Synopsis:

"Max Payne (Wahlberg) is a cop whose family and partner are brutally murdered. He embarks on a maverick path, venturing into the underworld to find those responsible for the murders. Payne finds that he faces both very powerful enemies and betrayal." - Sounds like the perpect perscription for 'Too Much Chihuahua'.



Proceed with Caution: I recommend watching no more then 40 seconds of this video... by the 1min mark you will want to punctur your ear drums, claw your eyes out, and Punch Babies. Your Call.