The NHL All-Stars... no one cares.

So I'm picturing myself as one of the following:

- An 8 year-old kid ready for shenanigans, wanting to sleep in their hockey equipment, having memorized the back of every '08-'09 hockey card they can get their hands on.

- A 22 year-old new grad having emerged from the dark depths of an Undergraduate degree, seeing the light of day for the first time in four years.

- Tom Hanks from Castaway, returning to civilization after battling the elements for long enough to grow a ridiculous beard.

- Some random who Ewan McGregor met during the filming of the Long Way Down, who has never seen snow and doesn't speak anything close to English.

- A Soccer Mom.

- A Stay at home Dad.

- A Golden Retriever.

- Me.

And as one of the above I am surprised, confused, disappointed, and in need of more of an explanation than the mindless whining that has attacked me over the passed week.

The NHL All-Star Game, scratch that, the NHL All-Star Weekend has come and gone, and book-ending the two day event has been variations of: "the NHL All-Star Game is a big pile of Trash!" Radio Stations, Editorials, Pan-Handlers on the corner of 4th and 7th, some guy in the fitness centre trying to decided between standing or sitting in front of the TV while curling a set of 2 lbs dumb-bells, my used-to-be friend Sam, they all happen to be experts on the matter of 'All-Stars' and the 'NHL's showcasing of them', and without room for compromise or the sound of an opinion other than their own, they have crucified the entire Weekend and forced everyone to know about it.

Take a breather cause I'm not done.

I'm back to picturing myself as one of the listed individuals above, and whether I'm in 3 pools and watch 4 to 5 periods of the game a night, or have no idea what 'ice hackey' is, my impression of the All-Star Weekend is that the majority of 'Fans' despise the concept.

So what is the concept. From the 30 professional teams that battle for 3/4 of the calendar year in the most competitive hockey league on the planet, just over 40 players are chosen to showcase their talent over a two day period. But it's not just that they create magic on the ice during the Superskills Competition and the All-Star Game, these ambassadors of the sport and role models to millions gather and consult the topic of Hockey. Everything from rule changes to league dynamic to plays of the year get talked about by everyone who matters. It's a concentrated look at the sport and seemingly a Holy Grail of a hockey weekend for fanatics. So what's the deal then? What is it about interviews with Crosby, Speed-of-Sound challenging Howitzers from Chara, art on ice from Kovalev, and a 12-11 Shoot-Out finish that doesn't appeal to the sport's biggest fans? I'm lost, but here's some of the nonsense I've heard thrown around:

- "It's not a game, there's no defence, no hitting, no intensity".

Funny, this 'Not a Game', seems to have gone to Shootout. And what's wrong with Offence!?!? The truth here is that the whiners are whiners for life. Who knows what the next big whine is going to be about; different day same old cry-baby special. Not enough scoring before the Lockout, so the league changes the rules and favours offence (sounds good to me). But for this particular situation it was decided that there was such thing as 'too much offence'. Who wants to see a showcase of stay-at-home defencemen? I personally think that seeing the greatest danglers in the world dance around the rink and bring the game's average plays to the level of 'highlight reel' is something pretty special. However who am I but some sucker for the beauty the game's Ultimate Triumph - a Goal. Watch defence and wait for the big hits during the rest of the season, but don't rain on my starry-eyed parade with your 'No Defence'. Just enjoy the 20 plus goals for what they are; a demonstration of pure talent. Oh and 'no intensity', what are you after? You want a little man-advantage three or four periods into overtime of game seven of Stanley's march? Is that? Intensity - just take a timeout from the continual adrenaline rush, you suspense junkies, and grab some intensity during the two full months of post season craziness that is just around the corner.

Can no one appreciate the smiles? I'm watching high-paid, athletic machines, that have devoted their entire lives to reaching this VIP club, where every move they make is front and centre for all to criticize, where millions and millions of dollar signs means it's a Business first, entertainment second, and somewhere beyond that a 'Game', where off-seasons are now the 24/7 training must, and where if you're not 'great' then you're 'garbage' and you're going to be posting facetime in the minors... and I'm watching them have FUN. You hear 'for the love of the game' get tossed around with that arsenal of sports cliches and it's hard to be a believer, but when these professionals are laughing it up, joking around with each other, and goofing off on the ice like that 8 year-old I mentioned earlier, you can feel the love. Feel it, and enjoy it. With all the other Bull-Shizen that surrounds the 'Game', these guys still play cause they really, really can't help but love to.

So now maybe I'm a sucker for the Ultimate Triumph AND I'm a hopeless romantic. If you don't want to watch it, then don't watch it, but shut your big yapper on what the All-Star Game should or shouldn't be. Just because you want the game to be some version of the Stanley Cup Finals meets the '72 Summit-series meets a historic montage of the best of UFC, doesn't mean that it's going to happen. I want more than 7 people to read this blog, but I'm not going to start throwing a hiss-fit about it.

If you're still not convinced, and expect the Stanley-Cup-Summit-Series-UFC game to exist at some point, good for you, keep on hating. If you're still not convinced, but wouldn't mind a five minute distraction where 23 goals are scored, NHL.com can help. Here's 40 of the best hockey players in the world that spent a weekend All-Staring it up, but what do they know right...

http://www.nhl.com/ice/eventhome.htm?location=/allstar/2009

2008 Movie Yearbook

The January to February Transition marks the beginning of Awards season and the close of another year's worth of movies. Another year of movies, another list of movies; everyone is weighing in. By now there are Top-10s of Top-10s topping each other everywhere, 5 Worst-of-the-year lists for every Best-of, Big Winners and Bigger Losers, Box-Office Stallions, Big-Budget Busts, Cult Favourites, Surprise Hits, and those movies that Critics love to love that you haven't seen yet. I've looked through too many of these hit-lists and can't help but wonder if maybe there are few recycled opinions out there. Sometimes there are clear-cut classics that make history right before our eyes, however, is it possible that that jump up to the Bandwagon is maybe a little too easy for a few too many? Don't worry about that right now. Worry about enjoying the following collection of 2008 Must-Cs. It's one thing to toss out the top 10 movies of year, but a year's worth of movies is so much more than a few Great films. That's why I have put together my 2008 Movie Yearbook:

Best Performance by anyone who came near the Screen: Heath Ledger as the Joker (the Dark Knight)

- The fact that his Golden Globe nomination and subsequent win was for a Supporting Role is ridiculous. Ledger managed to create a character that demanded the audience's full attention making every word he spoke more interesting than most of the movies released in '08. From the movie Trailer, to the teaser poster, the Joker built an overwhelming anticipation for the Dark Knight, and upon helping to deliver a masterpiece of a movie Ledger captivated the crowds without distracting from the film. Pure Gold. And he definitely "Put a smile on That face!"

Best Trailers:

- Pineapple Express (Red Band)

- the Dark Knight (Theatrical)
- In Bruges (Theatrical)
- Quantum of Solace (TV Spot)

- Rocknrolla (Theatrical)

- Funny Games (Theatrical)

Top Scary-Me Crazy Movies:
- the Strangers
- the Ruins
- the Eye
- the 11th Hour
- Shutter

- the Orphanage (okay this might be an '07 film, but it's scary enough to defeat calendar constraints)

Best Line of the Year: "What the Fuck have you done today?!" - James McAvoy as Wesley Gibson (Wanted)
- It could have been the Joker's "Let's put a smile on that face!", or "Why so Serious!" or anything from 'In Bruges', 'Burn After Reading', or 'Step Brothers', BUT having McAvoy look into the camera at the end of a killer monologue that caped the building energy of Wanted and slap you with these words of wisdom... it got applause. It was Fantastic!

Be my Girlfriend Honors:
(It takes more than just Hottie-Accessories... these girlies are the real deal)

- Mila Kunitz (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
- Anne Hathaway (Get Smart)

- Michelle Monohan (Eagle Eye)

- Rachel Bilston (Jumper)

Badass Hottie that you're kind of afraid might kill you: Angelina Jolie (Wanted)

The Crank Award / Single Man Wrecking Crew:

- Rambo: Stalon's John Rambo hasn't lost a step, he is still just as capable of slaughtering a jungles worth of Scum. You can't keep a good man down, and you can't keep a good Rambo from saving the innocent and killing everything else.

- Quantum of Solace: What good is a license to kill if you aren’t going to use it? Bond has simply run out of patience for suggesting that the Bad Guys don’t do bad things, he has decided to kill them, all of them, and he seems to be fine with it. And I am fine with it too.

Best Porno with Editing, Transitions, a little music... and a Theatrical Release: Young People Fucking
- You might think this title is All-Talk, but it's pretty accurate; a movie about a bunch of young people... yep. (Film includes storyline, character development, and a few laughs as a bonus)

Favourite Villains:

- Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks, and Laura Margolis (the masked People from the Strangers)

- Jeff Bridges (Iron Man)

- Ralph Fiennes (In Bruges)
- Roger Allam (British Bloke with the bad teeth from Speed Racer)
- Michael Pitt and Brady Corbet (the Boys of Funny Games)

Most Hated Villain: Little Girl from Atonement
- Wow, horrible, horrible person, makes me so mad!! (this is a 2007 movie, but my hatred for this little girl is deep, she may make the 2009 list)

True and Absolute Depression Award: Before the Devil Knows you're Dead.
- Just when you think things can't get worse, they do, and they continue to get worse until they finally reach the point where they can't get any worse... but they still get worse. Complete Misery. Good movie, but miserable, no redemption what so ever.

Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique Award: Skadoosh! (Kung Fu Panda)
- Right out of the pages of a Tarantino Script…

Best Car Chase: Speed Racer (the entire movie)
- This was a solid movie. I don't know how you are suppose to market a Feature based on a Japanimation Cartoon from the '60s that is both a family film and a mind blowing Wachowski creation, but I do know that even after I gave it the seal of approval I had quite the time trying to convince people to go see it. Watch it, it'll make you feel something.

Best Superhero Movie that didn't star Dark Knights or Jokers: Iron Man
- Robert Downey Jr. is unstoppable in this role. Additionally the hero of the film is an Engineer. Kudos to Swinger Favreau for glorifying the butt of far to many jokes. (As an Engineer I approve this movie - Tony Stark for President!)

Favourite Love Story: Wristcutters
- Not sappy, not a chick-flick, and not the usual boy-meets-girl Hollywood Extra Value Meal. Men do not Fear Wristcutters.

Forrest Gump / Go-Have-A-Good-Cry Award: the Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- The movie messes with your emotions (tough guys beware); you feel so much love for life and appreciation for what the world has to offer, while being crushed by a sadness and despair, and it happens all at the same time. The result is tears, lots of tears. I loved it.

Best Characters that weren't Ledger's Joker:
- Brad Pitt (Chad Feldneimer - Burn After Reading)
- Logan Lerman (The Kid - Meet Bill)
- Ryan Gosling (Lars Lindstrom - Lars and the Real Girl)
- Russell Brand (Aldous Snow - Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
- Dwayne Johnson (Boxer Santaros - Southland Tales)
- Toby Kebbell (Johnny Quid - Rocknrolla)
- Bobb'e J. Thompson (Ronnie Shields - Role Models)
- Robert Downey Jr. (Kirk Lazarus - Tropic Thunder)
- James Franco (Saul Silver - Pineapple Express)
- Neil Patrick Harris (NPH - Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay)

Vampire Film Awards:
- Best Vampire Teen Romance Novel Adaptation: Twilight
- Best Swedish Vampire Love Story: Let the Right One In

Tarantino Award: Hell Ride
- QT had a hand in this one, and it's littered with tell-tale signs. Great dialogue, rich characters, and just a touch of inappropriate violence. It's the dirty world of Big Bad Bikes.

Best Indiana Jones Movie of the Year: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
- If you like Harrison Ford, you'll like it. If you like the Indy series, you'll like it. If you're a Shia fan, you'll like it. If you like action-adventure movies, you'll like it. If you like to pan movies because they're not legitimate contenders for best movie of Ever, you'll like it. If you think Indiana Jones and his Hat are unbearable... you may not like it.

Best Slaps Sequence: Rocknrolla
- There is also a very thorough explanation of when and how a Good Slap should be executed.

Tourism Award: In Bruges (I want to go to Belgium)

Best In-Movie Recap: Pineapple Express
- While sitting around a table in a coffee shop, still covered in the aftermath of the Chaos that only a Stoner-Action movie can provide, the gang talks about everything that has just happened and decides that they are best friends. This move is comedy gold.

Best Spontaneous Singing and Dancing Sequence: Southland Tales (Justin Timberlake - the Killers 'All These Things that I've Done')

Coolest Movie Abilities Prizes:
- Teleportation (Jumper)
- Curving Bullets (Wanted)
- Cutting off Heads with large knives (Rambo)
- Flying under the influence (Hancock)
- Crash Landing one's self (Ironman)
- Destroying Lots of Stuff (the Incredible Hulk)
- Kung-Fuing a Dumpling (Kung Fu Panda)
- Doing Math (21)
- Driving (Speed Racer)
- Getting Back into a Plane you've jumped out of without having it land (the Dark Knight)

'Coming of Age... Or Not' Award: Charlie Bartlett
- Aside from the fact that Downey Jr. is in this movie, and that people should automatically see any movie that he is in without asking questions, Charlie Bartlett is the result of a whole mix of classics with a touch of its own thing. Ferris Bueller + Harold and Maude + Rushmore + Thumbsucker + Rocket Science + attitude + clever wit = something pretty close to Charlie Bartlett. Watch it if you went to high school...

Best Theme Song: Another Way to Die - Jack White & Alicia Keys (Quantum of Solace)
- It was the first Bond song performed as a duet, brought intrigue and anticipation in the TV Spot trailer, and set the stage for classic 007 during the opening credits. Plus it gets trapped in your head... and you have no problem with that. "Another dirty money heaven-sent honey turning on a dime..."

Monster Movie Match Up: Cloverfield vs the Host
- And the winner is... just watch both. Cloverfield envelops you in the movie, surrounding you with its continuous destruction as the main characters race the streets of Manhattan carrying you in their hand-held. The Host slaps you in the face with complete Monster-Demolition, leaving a lot of carnage in it's path and a chance for heroics. (Additionally, if you switch from watching with sub-titles and instead turn on the English dubbing The Host becomes a comedy, and a funny one). Two great takes on the action-adventure set-up.

Best Running Movie: Run Fatboy Run
- Also best use of Chelsea Dagger by the Fratellis while a Simon Pegg runs in a speedo.

Best Vince Vaughn Moment: Baby Puke Scene (4 Christmases)
- This is one of the funniest scenes of the year; "Get away from me, I'm going to do it too!!!"

Best Chess on the Screen: 'Body of Lies' & 'Deception'
- Both these movies have a one-two punch of heavy-weight acting with DiCaprio and Crowe trying to decide if they are on the same side in Body of Lies, and Jackman and McGregor playing mind games with each other in Deception. Smart movies, with smart characters, for smart viewers... so pay attention.

Minority Report / Fear of the Future Award: Eagle Eye
- Three reasons to see this movie:
1) the direction by DJ Caruso (Disturbia mastermind)
2) the high Hottie-levels of Michelle Monohan
3) Shia ('nough said, LaBeouf is the man)

Favourite Robot Love Story of the Year: Wall-E
Runner-up for Fear of the Future Award: Wall-E
Best Non-Kung-Fu Animated Feature: Wall-E
Go-Green-or-the-World-will-End Award: Wall-E

The Must-See Straight to DVDs:

- Revolver (why the Brits panned this film and filed it under 'No Good, ship 3 copies overseas for North America' is beyond me, it's Guy Ritchie with a Twist)
- Sleuth (Michael Caine and Jude Law play winner takes all and make up the rules as they go, all the viewer has to do is try and keep up)
- Southland Tales (Richard Kelly got confused during pre-production and instead of creating a movie he created an entire messed-up world)
- Numb (I don't know what Matthew Perry did with Chandler, but there is no sign of the goof ball here, Perry's Hudson so messed up you wonder how or why such an lost character moves forward)
- Meet Bill (Can't go wrong with Aaron Eckhart, and after getting pushed around by everyone in his life, he takes a page out of K. Spacey's book and American Beauty's his mediocre life)
- Felon (special thanks to Stephen Dorf for being in a movie that didn't absolutely suck... who is managing this guys career. Felon killed!)

Non-Stop Laughs:
- Pineapple Express
- Role Models
- Step Brothers
- Forgetting Sarah Marshall
- You don't Mess with the Zohan
- Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
- Yes Man
- Get Smart
- Zack and Miri Make a Porno
- Tropic Thunder

My Own Top-10:
- the Dark Knight
- In Bruges
- Burn After Reading
- Rocknrolla
- Quantum of Solace
- Funny Games
- Iron Man
- Let the Right One In
- the Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- Revolutionary Road

Bonus Pick:
- the Dark Knight (on IMAX) - Yeah that's right, TDK makes the list twice...

These are the best movies of 2008. You may want to shuffle them around, squeeze a few off the list, sneak a couple on, maybe even throw together a top 25 or 50, but those are all minor details... The bottom line is, these movies must be seen. Watch them all in one day. Okay, excessive, but put them on your To-Do list, and then Do them. Ready for the Guarentee: I know this, as you wipe away the tears, gasp for air between cackles, feel the warmth of your soul fill your body, put up with the ringing in your ears from the death screams, drop the "What are you kidding me?!?!" cries, manage the adrenaline that shocks your being, reflect on the big picture, appreciate the small things, get up and dance, and above all "Feel", you'll pause, soak it all up, decide that you are madly in love with Film, and find yourself saying, 'Damn Jack, that was a good call. That was Worth the Watch'. Enjoy.

!!! Spoiler Alert - Tropic Thunder !!!

The Will Ferrel from Wedding Crashers / Surprise Performance Award: Les Grossman (Tropic Thunder)
- This was hands down one of the biggest movie events of the year. A lot of people left the theatre with no idea that Tom Cruise was in Tropic Thunder. Hand him an award, hell hand him the award, give him the freakin Supporting Actor Oscar. Les Grossman was such a hit that the TV ad campaign shifted after T-T's opening week and became all about 'Who is Les Grossman?'

New Year's Resolutions

2009: The Year of the Ox, the beginning of President Obama, the return of James Cameron... a New 365, and of course, a fresh set of New Year's Resolutions.

The New Year's Resolution is ridiculous. Let's step back, cut the cover-up, and be honest; Ridiculous. The idea is a nice little package of optimism, surrounded by excitement, enthusiasm, good intentions, smiles, rainbows, unicorns, and happiness. In theory I love the concept of starting something new, creating a change, and improving one's life. And from a personal perspective I have actually had a strange amount of success with the January One agreements I've made in the passed. But let's face it, the average life expectancy of a New Year's Resolution is somewhere between seven hours and thirty days. I'm always quite impressed when I catch someone passing on dessert in February, because the diet is still a Go. In my opinion it's the death of Resolutions in January that make month One the most depressing month of the year (scientifically proven that January is in fact the most depressing month - honestly google that ridiculousness, you may also find that some will specify January 24th is the most depressing day of the year... this also happens to be my birthday, hmmm).

So how do the New Year's Goals beat the odds? You have to commit. Step up and accept that it's going to be difficult. It's never an easy transition between the naturally comfortable state that people's lives tend towards and the structure that an innovation to your Day-to-Day causes. People are ambitious, especially the people who resolve to resolve in the New Year, so the easy part is coming up with the Heavy-Hitter list of Resolutions: 'Lose 50 pounds of Fat, gain 70 pounds of muscle, and become an MMA champ in the next UFC', 'Join the New York Philharmonic... oh, but buy a violin first... no, learn to play the violin first, then buy a violin, then the Philharmonic', 'Volunteer 70 hours a week', 'Reduce my Carbon-Foot print by living in a Tree, and reusing toilet-paper', 'Become a Millionaire'... but seriously it is far to easy to set the goal, the challenge is figuring out how to introduce it into your routine.

The four steps I take to the New Year's Resolution process and the four things I try to avoid:

1)
-DO: Reflect on my life and decide how I can make the next version of ME an upgrade from the previous year's model.
-EX: On a regular basis I fall victim to fatigue and find myself drained of energy and exhausted. I need to get more sleep.
-DO NOT: Pull out of thin air a Harebrained piece of Tomfoolery that is totally inconceivable as an attainable goal.
-EX: Fly like Superman.

2)
-DO: Decide what changes I will need to make to incorporate this new idea into my life.
-EX: Give up on that extra hour of TV that 'Late-Night Guy' convinces me to watch every night, and instead head for bed.
-DO NOT: Believe that you are Full of all kinds of Awesomeness and will just 'Make it Happen'.
-EX: Roll around in Nuclear/Radioactive Goo and gain a Super Power.

3)
-DO: Realize that what ever sacrifice you have made will call to you and tempt you, and that this can not be ignored.
-EX: Late-Night Guy's TV is all about Relaxation, Enjoyment, and Mental Reprieve (unless it's Lost in which case my mind is on overdrive), it's possible that my day may lack in these categories and feel too rushed, and structured, and 'Jack Webb: Engineer' like. Should this problem present itself I will turn to whatever book I'm exploring and read a few pages in bed (I know that in reality I am more then likely exhausted and will be comatose within 3 paragraphs...)
-DO NOT: Forget that there is a reason you weren't already doing what ever it is you have Resolved to do. If it was an easy fix, you probably would have already fixed it prior to resolving to do so.
-EX: I will give up my sloth ways of 22 hours of Rest per day and I will do it starting... NOW. Cold-Turkey!! I rule!!!!

4)
-DO: Stick to it, and don't be a huge baby.
-EX: When Late-Night Guy starts to wield his magic, 'It's one show, you can skip the commercials, that's 43 minutes, it's just like being in bed, do it, DO IT!!!', say 'No means No Late-Night Guy, don't tempt me with your trickery and nonsense'.
-DO NOT: Completely fall apart and throw a tantrum at the first sign of adversity.
-EX: 'Forget it. Life sucks and the world hates me. I give up on everything, and hate you all!!'

Now at this point I should advise that it's entirely possible I have no idea what I'm talking about, but there is the chance that I'm in fact a genius...

So with this game plan, and alleged passed victories, 'Why drill New Year's Resolutions O Wise One?', you may ask. Well, simple. Yesterday was January 5th, also known as the return to the office, the return to the routine, the return to the Real World... the end of Me-vs-the-Holiday; January 5th is the beginning of The Test. Everything prior to this day is all theoretical and it looks gooooood on paper, but The Test is a different story. The Test is dirty, and real, and in your face. The Test is the end of the beginning and the first chance at proving you can commit to the wild and wonderful New You. The Test is that Struggle that you know you want... The Test is the day that the Fitness Centre is jam-packed with Newbies looking to change their spare tire, drop those tag-along extra pounds, and wreck my Training. The place is packed. I can't pretend I want to move it's so busy. Go Away Newbies! Two weeks ago I had my own personal Fitness Centre, free to juggle dumb-bells, Lance-Armstrong stationary bikes, surf on wobble-boards, I could have prepared for the National somersault championships if I wanted to. And now... Newbies. I share, don't get me wrong I can share. But this is ridiculous. Every year, at every gym it's always the same; for three weeks the place is packed, packed with enthusiasm, energy, excitement, and packed with dying New Year's Resolutions. It's just how it goes down. I know the Resolution Ritual can work, I am happy to see people want to better themselves, and I love having new recruits join the Fitness Centre team, but dammit, everyone at once? Really? Newbies, you're killing me. I take my Training very seriously (What am I training for? What am I Not training for?! I'm training for life, and I'm ready to compete at any second, Bring it!), and if I'm having to juggle dumb-bells with someone else, or wander around aimlessly while a dozen people push shopping carts on the treadmills, I'm gunna... well I probably won't do anything about it, maybe I'll write a follow-up Post full of clever whining and witty complaints, or start working really hard while I'm there (in general this seems to make people uncomfortable, both because it shows that they aren't working that hard, and because the average person feels uneasy at the sight of human suffering, plus sweat seems to gross people out).

Where are we now?
1) New Year's Resolutions don't work.
2) They might if you follow these 4 steps, and believe that I know what I'm talking about.
3) Stay out of my Gym Newbies.

A few loose ends - I have three Resolutions myself, none of them too Earth-Shattering (I don't Shatter-the-Earth very often, maybe that should have been a Goal for 2009...):
- Get more Sleep (I don't know what the question is, but the answer is definitely NAP)
- Become more Flexible (it's just sad if you are 'athletic' and can't touch your toes)
- Write more (who isn't going to benefit from this one)

And a few of my passed Alleged Successes:
- My daily Training is based on a Resolution.
- I've kept a daily Journal (there's some scary stuff in there) for seven years and it all started on January 1.

So it's January 6th, are your resolutions still alive?

Classic Survivor

It's been a week, but that doesn't change the fact that I am all about the 'Congratulations Bob!' Sole Survivor, and last man standing from 'Survivor: Gabon' (pronounced Ga-bone, or ga-BONE!!!, Gaaa-bOOOOOOne - give it a go, it's the most fun I've had with a Survivor title so far). Bob, the 57 year-old physics teacher grabbed both the million dollar grand prize and the $100,000 Fan Favourite title, becoming the first Survivor Castaway to earn himself enough votes from both his castaway peers and the die-hard fans to win it all, twice.



When asked where he got the items used to make the fake Hidden Immunity Idol, Bob said 'I take stuff'.






Need a recap. Man, this was a great season, you should be watching this stuff. Commit People, Commit:

The guy deserved it. 'Bob, the 57 year-old physics teacher'; this is how survivors are labelled, Name, Age, Profession. But Bob is so much more than just 'the old guy' or the 'crazy physics lab-coat'... Bob is the old-guy-crazy-physics-lab-coat who does it all. A genuinely nice, caring guy, who built strong friendships and managed to fly-under-the-radar while winning challenge after challenge, Bob was not just a provider at camp he was a camp architect. For many structuring a solid shelter would be enough, but Bob built his tribe a bench, a cooking station, and a sun-dial giving them luxurious comfort that the other tribe couldn't even imagine (the other tribe was a huge disaster, and that was really fun to watch - I don't know what it is about seeing Mean People suffer, but I get a kick out of it). Outwit, Outplay, Outlast: how about creating not one but two fake Hidden Immunity Idols for a little of the Outwit. Both idols ended up fooling people right out of the game, leaving Bob to Outwit his way in and out of ruthless alliances as they fell apart around him. After chasing records for 'number of challenges' won in a row, Bob couldn't extend his streak in the last Immunity competition leaving him open for a seemly guaranteed exit. But once again, with a target covering his whole game, he grab a crucial vote, which forced a tie breaker, which he had anticipated earlier in the day and practiced for. He was able to build fire like Survivorman Meets Bear Grylls, he made it to the final three, and he won himself $1,000,000.


GC: I don't even know the guys real name. Who care though; he was elected by his tribe to be their leader, 18 hours later he quit the position, then he quit the game.




Crystal: Most unimpressive Gold Medal Olympian to ever have an 'Unathletic Montage' on national television.









Ace: Everyone was so convinced that this character was a snake, that the season's most burning question was whether his posh brittish accent was a fake.





Okay so it's not a great recap, but that's what you get for slacking. It's Survivor, it's entertaining, get off your high horse and watch already.

True this was a great season. It was full of twists and turns and I really never knew what was going on until another blind side / backstab / team shake up / double tribal vote-off had capped the episode leaving me wanting much, much more. In previous Survivors lines are drawn in the sand and alliances battle it out, tribes form within tribes, and eventually the underdog takes on the crew with the numbers. This Survivor was different, this Survivor was crazy. Every episode there was a new alliance of double-crossing tricksters, promising new lies, and trying to betray someone with a new version of the same deception. Physical threats were muscled out, strategists were outsmarted, Quitters quit, Good-vs-Evil turned to Evil-vs-Evil, the useless prevailed, the confident failed, under-achievers dominated, Mean was pushed around by Meaner, mistakes became the norm, Exile was an Oasis, and just when it seemed like all order in the universe was lost, Bob won.



Corinne: Don't be fooled by the picture (and stop looking at her... eyes), this is the nastiest individual to get airtime on cable. Pure Evil. And she loves everything about herself.





Sugar: Found the Hidden Immunity Idol, helped vote out the entire Jury, cried in every episode, was runner up in 'Favourite Survivor' votes after Bob, and mistakenly cared about people who wanted to feed her to the elephants. She's one of this fans favourites.


The one constant that didn't waiver with Gabon was the Jury. That bitter, irrational Jury. It's always the same; the second half of the season focuses on the development of lunatic-maniacs who sit and watch with bubbling envy as the people who threw them out of the game get closer and closer to glory. This time around, two Jury members actually stated that the final tribal council was only about revenge for them. Gory, ugly revenge. The other five voters did their worst impression of happy/caring/sane people as they unleashed a life-times worth of rage on the three finalists. At times the anger left them not only blind to the goal of the final tribal council (to figure out who they should back as overall champion of this crazy ride), but completely incoherent. There was nastiness going on here that fictional TV shows couldn't get away with. What is wrong with people? Everyone is the main character in their own little movie, expecting the world not to revolve around them, but to pick them up and carry them to a promised land where their movie is the Dark Knight or Titanic or the Departed. Their movie sucks. Their movie is the Truth About Charlie meets the never released not-funny-not-charming romantic comedy full of staged action, forced drama, and some not-cute-enough pet trying to hold the whole thing together, starring no-one, no-one, Steven Seagal, no-one, Gwyneth Paltow, and no-one. They're Bank Manager #2 whose only scene is buried on the Editing Room floor. Not everything is about you ('you' being the 7 psycho-lunatic-insane Me-Monsters who waited patiently for their turn to make absolute fools of themselves while 'wielding' the power to give someone $1,000,000). Take a break from yourself and look around, nobody likes you, because you are horrible people. Okay, there were a few exceptions, but the overall theme was 'the Jury hated life and all that was apart of it'. How is it possible that Susie almost won Survivor? This wasn't an underdog, this wasn't a 'fly-below-the-radar' player, this was an extra name at the start of the episode who made the tribe numbers equal. How did she make it to the final three you might ask, because she at no point even resembled the second-cousin-twice-removed of a 'Threat'. She barely registered a pulse on the show and the few times she found herself on camera she was either saying nothing or everything, which either way ended up being a whole lot of nothing. One of the final episodes had her rambling on about not knowing what was going on, because no one had told her what to do. Her big appeal to the Jury during the final Tribal was that she 'tried', and some such nonesense about teaching people to try, or try harder, or be one with trying to try not to give up but try something, something else, blah, blah, blah, snore, blah. In fact that was her only appeal. And still, these idiots who wanted more 'Me Time' than eternity has to offer, almost gave Susie the win. Zero votes for Sugar (a surprise front runner who really battled and fought to position herself into the finals), three votes for Susie, and four votes for Bob. Had Susie won Survivor Gabon the ten plagues of the Apocalypse would have only been the beginning. The balance of the universe would have been so disturbed that Sean Penn would be happy and I would understand America's obsession with Nascar. Television would have become so out-of-control unbarable that Ugly Betty and According to Jim might seem like a good idea. Had Susie won Survivor Gabon I would have been upset. Not 'Gosh, poor Bob, that aggrevates me, and makes me want to reconsider the Big Picture' kind of upset, I mean real, heavy frown, punch-a-baby kind of upset (I would never punch a baby, but Susie winning $1,000,000 might make me want to scole at one, maybe even call it Not-Cute - that's like 'I curse your mustash' in baby-world, it's a big deal). But thank goodness none of this needed to go down, Susie lost, Bob won, tears, laughter, elephants, the odd African Tribal celebration, all is well, and Survivor Gabon is now locked is as a classic.

Susie: Yeah, yeah, 'that's a nice picture, what a sweet looking woman, good for her for making it as far as she did' right? Wrong?! This woman is queen of her own planet, and is totally out of here mind. Picture Tells a thousand words - this one tells all the wrong ones.

Bob vs Kenny: the Professional gamer that kept getting pissed off when Bob would foil his plans to turn on Bob. At one point Kenny asked Bob why he didn't give Kenny the Individual Immunity idol, Bob said 'Cause you were going to vote me out'.


















Thursday nights, 9pm, CBS. Watch it in High Def if possible, it makes the ugly uglier and the back-stabbing more back-stabby. The next round of chaos starts up in February. And in the end, lets face it, all that matters is that Probst is on the scene putting everyone in their place, telling it like it is, and flashing the odd dimple-drive smile. Watch Survivor, it's full of very... 'interesting' people (interesting, odd, strange, crazy, outrageous, bizzare, eccentric, what ever works). And if the show doesn't work for you, you're probably pretty 'interesting' yourself.

Jeff Probst: This guy is so good at hosting Survivor that a catergory at the Emmys was created so they could give him an award.

Checking in: the Dog House

The other day I was told a story, and it was a good one. As a human who breaths on occasion and holds enough of a pulse to read this, you will not be able to deny an emotional response. I've thought about the situation from a number of sides and without exposing my own thoughts on the matter yet I will say this: I wish I had been there, and I wish it was my own story.

Our story's Hero receives a call from his girlfriend who is out with the gals for the night. It's that call that comes when 'Girls Night Out' breaks the rules and 'No Guys' becomes 'A Guy'. At this point it's entirely possible for the 'A Guy' to become 'A few Guys' to become 'A Party', but that is not the case here, that story is for another time, this story needs A Guy and Four Girls in order to work. So he joins the girls at a local bar where drinks, and laughs, and tall tales are circling the table. At a certain point during the evening a sequence of events begins to unfold which inevitably brings us to the climactic punch line. Having twice heard the story myself, I realize that once this particular discussion began, there was no way of avoiding the controversial outcome.

Of the four girls, the one that is holding court is not not-chubby and is not not-frustrated about it. She gets lost in a rolling momentum of irritation as she vents to the table on her current lack of success with eHarmony.com. No one is giving her a chance, all they (the men who are most likely equally irritated with the 'relationship' site) are doing is committing to not-committing to anything beyond the profile picture. You can choose to take sides on that loaded topic right now, but at this point I'm not even going to get into the mis-adventures of the On-line Dating World, or the appropriate level of importance that the relationship predators should or should not invest in physical appearance. I'm not getting into it, because compared with what's to come, it's just not as Fun.

The not not-chubby one tears on and begins to rally the troops. The direction of conversation traffic seems to have the green light down the road of 'Man is evil', 'Girl Power', 'the World isn't Fair', 'Blah blahblah Blah blah...'. Our Hero interjects. To this point he had been casually observing, and enjoying, the mysterious behaviors of the four girls on Girls-Night-Out. Like watching the TV or attending the theatre or poorly playing a video game where you later realize the controller isn't even connected to the console and for the last half hour you've been aggressively watching the 'computer' play the game while you grip the controller, our Hero was not involved. As a side note, the 'playing a video game while not playing' scenario is legitimate, I know an actual person that did this, and if it wasn't for this current story, it would be the front and centre narrative. But it's not, so our Hero interjects...

"Maybe you should just lower your expectations..." he tosses out above the table, pausing for the girls to take it all in, "like I did..." BAM!!!! There it is. While surrounded by his girlfriends she-soldiers, and our Hero's little lady herself, he enjoys the momentary uncertainty while his audience digests what he's served up. And then the silence breaks apart into a cacophony of uncontrolled laughter. Smiles circle the table. Our Hero is funny. He has captured the approval of the jury. Even the not not-chubby one, with her Man-Hating one liners seems to have forgotten her repressed rage for the moment and is indulging in a good piece of happiness. But wait. As the laughter is picked up and thrown back and forth by the four girls, one girl stops the cackling, the chuckling, and the giggles, and decides it's not funny, he's not funny, nothing about any of it is even close to funny anymore. She decides that that comment is just down right mean. She is offended, and far from pleased with him.

Any thoughts on the matter? What if I told you it's three days later and our Hero has been spending his time in and around the Dog-House. Over-reaction by his special gal? Would it make a difference if I said that The comment was disguised in dry-comedy, delivered with only a touch of a smile? Are you a believer in the 'All Comedy is rooted in the truth'? It's all fun and games until someone decides it is neither fun nor a game, that it is in fact time for the silent treatment. And so our Hero is faced with the only option that is left for Dog-House residents; the apology. And man oh man, do not mess that up. You think the Dog-House is a tough place to live, toss out a half-hearted, sarcastic 'Saurrrryy', and life will get pretty interesting pretty fast.

Having told this story to a number of people, I've heard a variety of opinions from both sides of the dilemma. Girls that think the victim of this tale is being too sensitive (never tell someone this to their face, 'Don't Pass Go, Don't Collect $200, Go Straight to the Dog-House), guys that wouldn't dare drop that kind of bomb on their girlfriends for fear of a slap in the face and a text-message break-up, and everything in between. Oddly enough the person who first sent this story my way will regularly spicy up the conversation with his own little gems of this nature, and yet when I asked him about it he thought our Hero was over the line (he was also unaware of his joking tendencies though, and was shocked to hear me toss out a couple of examples of his edgy routine).

In my opinion, which of course is the opinion of a friend of a friend, twice removed from the affected individuals, participating only as a cog in the Tall-Tale-Machine of Story Telling, I know that it depends not only on the players (the hes and the shes), the rules (friend, family, acquaintance, arch-Nemesis), and the game itself (first-date, last-date, not-a-date, never-a-date), but also on the delivery, which is guaranteed to be fully loaded with everything from too-much-body-language, to the wrong-kind-of-tone, to an uneven-casting-of-shadows-across-ones-face, depending on who's on the receiving end. In my opinion if you can evaluate all these wild and crazy variables fast enough to still seem clever and witty... before unleashing something as creative as our Hero did... and manage to walk away a Sweetheart without ruffling any not not-chubby feathers... well then, you should be teaching a class. You are superhuman. Share your knowledge of these Dark Arts.

In my opinion if someone isn't disagreeing with you, then you're not trying hard enough.

In my opinion our Hero is a Hero. Well played my friend, well played.

Evolution of Pathogens... not on his watch.

The future of Sci-Fi Horror films... as long as the reality of these bio-killers don't take us out first. The world is scary:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/12/08/pip.zoonotics/index.html

First off, the doc following the hunters in this article, Dr. Nathan Wolfe, this guy has a great name. And I'm thinking that it maybe a name a little to edgy and epic for a 'researcher'. But then I find out he's not just another lab coat juggling test-tubes, this guy is the Jack Bauer of the 'viral chatter world'... sweet.













Second on the docket: the transmission of Monkeypox to the US. Who is importing African Rodents as pets?!?! Are you kidding me, it's bad enough that rodents are migrating from Africa to the Americas, but they don't even need to put together any sort of crazy Madagascar movie hair-brained plot to invade us, people are actually taking care to bringing them over (via leash?).

And finally 'Deadly Zoonotic Viruses lurking in the forest' does not sound good, not at all. Dr. Nathan Wolfe, protector of the innocent, Viral Superhero, the Mitch Rapp of the viral underground, is a new favorite of mine. Big fan right here...







Anyone who didn't already know: Yes, Science is this Cool!

The Grown-up World

Today as I sat at my desk, happy with the cold winter weather that swirled outside the warm and cozy office building where my comfortable little cubicle hides, I came across a clever parable that kindly poked fun at the North American Auto industry. I read through the parable with a smile. 'Parables are fun', I thought to myself, 'so is chatter about the silliness of the real world'.

The parable went a little like this:

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India . Sadly, The End.

Attached to the Parable were a few additional thoughts:

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads. IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.

Not too long after enjoying the tiny tale, I received a second bit of commentary on the Big Three and their on-going struggle to stay on the road. It hit me with blow after blow of crazy-talk; benefits through layoffs, unions and their black-magic, payouts to the unemployed, bounus for the managers who ran the companies into the ground, and on and on, until I was on the ground getting the 10-count.

Second bit of commentary went a little like this:

Any successful business must be able to respond to fluctuations in demand for its products, but the Big Three’s job-security agreements with its unions make that process burdensome and costly. Earlier this year, I visited a General Motors assembly plant in Moraine, Ohio, that is scheduled to close on December 23. The Moraine assembly plant made SUVs, and since demand for SUVs has fallen sharply, GM decided to shut down the Moraine plant. Of course, it’s not that simple. The workers at the Moraine plant belonged to IUE-CWA, an electrical workers’ union with contracts similar to those the UAW has negotiated. As a result of those agreements, IUE-CWA members in Moraine were offered buyouts of $70,000 to $140,000 for any worker who voluntarily quits. Other workers were made eligible for early retirement. GM employees who don’t opt for a buyout or early-retirement package will qualify for GM’s supplemental unemployment benefits, meaning that GM will make up the difference between their former wages and their state unemployment checks. When the unemployment checks run out, GM will pay these workers 95 percent of their former wages for up to two years, depending on seniority. Workers with at least ten years of seniority are eligible for the Job Opportunity Bank Security program. This is the notorious jobs bank that allows laid-off workers to receive their regular hourly pay while sitting around doing crossword puzzles or reading the paper. If GM offers these employees an opportunity to transfer to another plant, they have the right to turn down a limited number of such offers. And if no offer is made, they can stay in the jobs bank until they retire. GM currently has around 1,400 workers nationwide in the jobs bank.

When I came to I was flabbergasted (which is a state I rarely find myself in - surprised sure, shocked of course, at times even stunned, but flabbergasted... this was a treat, I let me thoughts run rampant).

Rampant thoughts went a little like this:

WHAT THE- !??!?!?! How is this an option. Your work is no longer required because the business you chose to go into is no longer in demand... it's a tough break, but that's your loss, NOT my loss. This is a ridiculous situation. These workers basically get to chose between three options, all of which result in them getting paid to do nothing. And where is all this money coming from that is paying these workers to do a whole lot of nothing for anywhere from a couple months to 'up to Forever'? My hard earned pay check. First the Big Bad corporation empties their pockets and then when this useless company that builds a garbage product for waaaaaaay too much money runs out of moola, the government is forced to bail them out because if they don't the League of Un-Extraordinary Gentlemorons will execute their Usurping of the Thrown and destroy the country from the inside out. If I'm looking at this right, and I like to think I am, this SNL skit of a scenario has to be true, because no one would buy into a fictional plot this absurd.

I replaced the grounded 10-count with a cool-down 10-count. At this point I was calmed by the reassurance that despite the mass movement by the loony-toons of the planet towards utter chaos, the world still seems to work. We are kept on course by the few, who are able to take what the crazies throw at them and make sense of it. I could hear Frank Costanza’s response to life’s frustrations... ‘Serenity Now!!!!’

True, Serenity Now... Insanity Later. I think one of the most shocking part this exploration that I wandered down is the lack of distinction between the decisions being made by 'experts' in the Grown-up world and those being toyed with by the 'explorer' on the playgrounds. Maybe I expected more of this world I'm entering into, maybe I am a glass-half-full kind of guy whose setting himself up for disappointment, maybe somethings are so ridiculous that you just have to Tom-Cruise-it-from-Risky-Business and say 'What the F...' with a big old smile on your face.

Later in the day an email dropped into my inbox at just the right time convincing me that as I first suspected, some of these things have to be taken in stride, digested, and put into perspective. The email spoke of a father’s passionate address to a graduating class which his son would have been apart of had he not lost the battle to a debilitating mental and physical disease. The details of the story weren’t as moving as the message of human kindness that had surrounded the boy’s life, as people offering inclusion to the boy were constantly gifted pure happiness in return.

It’s far too easy at times to get caught up in the reasons the world needs help, and ignore the small moments that make those problems a concern in the first place. It was a small part of my day today, but it was an important roller-coaster ride for me to get caught on as I try to figure out this new scene, this Grown-up World.