New Year's Resolutions

2009: The Year of the Ox, the beginning of President Obama, the return of James Cameron... a New 365, and of course, a fresh set of New Year's Resolutions.

The New Year's Resolution is ridiculous. Let's step back, cut the cover-up, and be honest; Ridiculous. The idea is a nice little package of optimism, surrounded by excitement, enthusiasm, good intentions, smiles, rainbows, unicorns, and happiness. In theory I love the concept of starting something new, creating a change, and improving one's life. And from a personal perspective I have actually had a strange amount of success with the January One agreements I've made in the passed. But let's face it, the average life expectancy of a New Year's Resolution is somewhere between seven hours and thirty days. I'm always quite impressed when I catch someone passing on dessert in February, because the diet is still a Go. In my opinion it's the death of Resolutions in January that make month One the most depressing month of the year (scientifically proven that January is in fact the most depressing month - honestly google that ridiculousness, you may also find that some will specify January 24th is the most depressing day of the year... this also happens to be my birthday, hmmm).

So how do the New Year's Goals beat the odds? You have to commit. Step up and accept that it's going to be difficult. It's never an easy transition between the naturally comfortable state that people's lives tend towards and the structure that an innovation to your Day-to-Day causes. People are ambitious, especially the people who resolve to resolve in the New Year, so the easy part is coming up with the Heavy-Hitter list of Resolutions: 'Lose 50 pounds of Fat, gain 70 pounds of muscle, and become an MMA champ in the next UFC', 'Join the New York Philharmonic... oh, but buy a violin first... no, learn to play the violin first, then buy a violin, then the Philharmonic', 'Volunteer 70 hours a week', 'Reduce my Carbon-Foot print by living in a Tree, and reusing toilet-paper', 'Become a Millionaire'... but seriously it is far to easy to set the goal, the challenge is figuring out how to introduce it into your routine.

The four steps I take to the New Year's Resolution process and the four things I try to avoid:

1)
-DO: Reflect on my life and decide how I can make the next version of ME an upgrade from the previous year's model.
-EX: On a regular basis I fall victim to fatigue and find myself drained of energy and exhausted. I need to get more sleep.
-DO NOT: Pull out of thin air a Harebrained piece of Tomfoolery that is totally inconceivable as an attainable goal.
-EX: Fly like Superman.

2)
-DO: Decide what changes I will need to make to incorporate this new idea into my life.
-EX: Give up on that extra hour of TV that 'Late-Night Guy' convinces me to watch every night, and instead head for bed.
-DO NOT: Believe that you are Full of all kinds of Awesomeness and will just 'Make it Happen'.
-EX: Roll around in Nuclear/Radioactive Goo and gain a Super Power.

3)
-DO: Realize that what ever sacrifice you have made will call to you and tempt you, and that this can not be ignored.
-EX: Late-Night Guy's TV is all about Relaxation, Enjoyment, and Mental Reprieve (unless it's Lost in which case my mind is on overdrive), it's possible that my day may lack in these categories and feel too rushed, and structured, and 'Jack Webb: Engineer' like. Should this problem present itself I will turn to whatever book I'm exploring and read a few pages in bed (I know that in reality I am more then likely exhausted and will be comatose within 3 paragraphs...)
-DO NOT: Forget that there is a reason you weren't already doing what ever it is you have Resolved to do. If it was an easy fix, you probably would have already fixed it prior to resolving to do so.
-EX: I will give up my sloth ways of 22 hours of Rest per day and I will do it starting... NOW. Cold-Turkey!! I rule!!!!

4)
-DO: Stick to it, and don't be a huge baby.
-EX: When Late-Night Guy starts to wield his magic, 'It's one show, you can skip the commercials, that's 43 minutes, it's just like being in bed, do it, DO IT!!!', say 'No means No Late-Night Guy, don't tempt me with your trickery and nonsense'.
-DO NOT: Completely fall apart and throw a tantrum at the first sign of adversity.
-EX: 'Forget it. Life sucks and the world hates me. I give up on everything, and hate you all!!'

Now at this point I should advise that it's entirely possible I have no idea what I'm talking about, but there is the chance that I'm in fact a genius...

So with this game plan, and alleged passed victories, 'Why drill New Year's Resolutions O Wise One?', you may ask. Well, simple. Yesterday was January 5th, also known as the return to the office, the return to the routine, the return to the Real World... the end of Me-vs-the-Holiday; January 5th is the beginning of The Test. Everything prior to this day is all theoretical and it looks gooooood on paper, but The Test is a different story. The Test is dirty, and real, and in your face. The Test is the end of the beginning and the first chance at proving you can commit to the wild and wonderful New You. The Test is that Struggle that you know you want... The Test is the day that the Fitness Centre is jam-packed with Newbies looking to change their spare tire, drop those tag-along extra pounds, and wreck my Training. The place is packed. I can't pretend I want to move it's so busy. Go Away Newbies! Two weeks ago I had my own personal Fitness Centre, free to juggle dumb-bells, Lance-Armstrong stationary bikes, surf on wobble-boards, I could have prepared for the National somersault championships if I wanted to. And now... Newbies. I share, don't get me wrong I can share. But this is ridiculous. Every year, at every gym it's always the same; for three weeks the place is packed, packed with enthusiasm, energy, excitement, and packed with dying New Year's Resolutions. It's just how it goes down. I know the Resolution Ritual can work, I am happy to see people want to better themselves, and I love having new recruits join the Fitness Centre team, but dammit, everyone at once? Really? Newbies, you're killing me. I take my Training very seriously (What am I training for? What am I Not training for?! I'm training for life, and I'm ready to compete at any second, Bring it!), and if I'm having to juggle dumb-bells with someone else, or wander around aimlessly while a dozen people push shopping carts on the treadmills, I'm gunna... well I probably won't do anything about it, maybe I'll write a follow-up Post full of clever whining and witty complaints, or start working really hard while I'm there (in general this seems to make people uncomfortable, both because it shows that they aren't working that hard, and because the average person feels uneasy at the sight of human suffering, plus sweat seems to gross people out).

Where are we now?
1) New Year's Resolutions don't work.
2) They might if you follow these 4 steps, and believe that I know what I'm talking about.
3) Stay out of my Gym Newbies.

A few loose ends - I have three Resolutions myself, none of them too Earth-Shattering (I don't Shatter-the-Earth very often, maybe that should have been a Goal for 2009...):
- Get more Sleep (I don't know what the question is, but the answer is definitely NAP)
- Become more Flexible (it's just sad if you are 'athletic' and can't touch your toes)
- Write more (who isn't going to benefit from this one)

And a few of my passed Alleged Successes:
- My daily Training is based on a Resolution.
- I've kept a daily Journal (there's some scary stuff in there) for seven years and it all started on January 1.

So it's January 6th, are your resolutions still alive?