A page from the eBook Story

I consider myself to be not only technically capable, but technically preoccupied. I love the gadgets. I love the way that devices like the iPhone take all kinds of 'Needs', bundle them with 'Wants', throw in some 'Unnecessaries' to create 'Simplicity' that just makes so much sense. I am no longer willing to carry a phone, laptop, MP3 player, daytimer, note book and finger drumset, when I know that it can all be packaged together in a sleek, cool, James Bond style gadget (I'm sure it was Q that came up with the iPhone, except when Mi6 handed it over to Apple, Steve Jobs had to remove the laser and the grappling hook).

But when it comes to Books and their transformation from pulp to pixel, it's the collector inside that seems to take over. I am less concerned with needing to teach my page-turning finger the new 'drag across the screen' move, and more concerned with the loss of my teetering stack of novels. I like the idea of letting a pristine collection of pages gather character as I move through the chapters. I like that my copy of Treasure Island has held on to a few grains of Mayan Riviera sand from my first trip to Mexico; that I have folds and scars on the cover of Jack Kerouac's On the Road from hostile floors and train station benches, dating my 2007 Euro Adventure; that it looks like each page of my Confederacy of Dunces book has been pawed three or four times, because it has; and that my copy of the Catcher in the Rye is broken-down and beaten-up because it was held hostage for several months by a book-murderer (my brother). The story behind the story about the story.

At this point the electronic book is a forced move for me. And sounding like an old soul who scoffs at change, the e-book lacks the warmth and imperfections of my travelled print copies. It's against my gadget-guru nature to side step the Kindles of the world, but if a scrolling screen can't capture the tears of laughter that now stain the pages of my Catch-22 book, then this word revolution has lost more than it's ability to gift paper cuts.

It Has to be True, Cause if it Wasn't No One Would Believe It...

The Hockey Dressing Room is a sanctuary. Like Superman's Fortress of Solitude the Dressing Room provides a team with protection from foes, the tranquility needed to recover from battle, and the support and guidance of family. For the Man-of-Steel it was Jor-El, his Kryptonia Father, who he confided in, for the Warrior-of-the-Ice (the hockey player), it is his teammate brethren who he strategizes with. And it's not simply an X's and O's To-Do List of tactics for the next period that gets bounced off the four walls of a Dressing Room, it's life that is discussed; it's tears and laughter, happy families and failed marriages, Glory Stories from the Night Before and last weeks episode of Entourage. The Hockey Dressing Room is the ultimate Tree-House where secrets are exchanged with total confidence as everyone who enters the hide-out lives by the same code: Jersey Colours Run Deep.



It's right up there with 'Bros before Hoes' and 'Blood is thicker than Water'. It's just an unspoken certainty; teammates, love them or wanna kill them with your skate-blade and harvest their organs for black-market sales using your back-up stick, when it comes down to it you'll battle in the trenches with them and give them a shoulder to cry on (that's right, even the Manly-Men Jocktastic Ice-Solider needs to let it all out sometimes - we're an emotional species)...

But that's not where I'm headed with this little write up. The Bond of the Hockey Player is a tale for another day. Today my chit-chat begins with Googly-Eyes, our back-up puck-stopper.

I have a great concern that I am slowly becoming desensitized to comedy. Most days the average joke will barely earn more than a light chuckle from me, and the idea of pouring-tears, soar-abs, and frantic gasping for air between uncontrolable cackles seems to be more vague with each moderately funny sit-com episode. One-liners and Slap-Stick just don't cut it anymore. (None of this requires any significant amount of concern though, I saw "I Love You, Man" this weekend and I'm still bursting into laugh attacks over it). But the other day, in the gentlemen's club that is the Hockey Dressing Room, I heard a story that's hilarity took me by such surprise that I feel it's my obligation to share it with my devoted Reader (the Following may be up to 2 or 3 by now... very Flights of the Conchords).

It started with Googly-Eyes, a goaltender whose right-eye has been known to check-out from time to time. The fact that I don't know Googly-Eyes real name has nothing to do with his goaltending skills (which are quite remarkable considering the googly nature of his eyes) or his googly eyes themselves, the truth is he's only subbed as a goalie for our team twice, and I am awful with names (real names, I'm great with remembering made up, ridiculous, mildly-offensive names). When it comes down to it, it's just impressive that someone would willingly stand in front of hard, rubber projectiles while working with a 'special' vision situation. This was the topic of conversation that lead to my funny yarn; "The Dude only has one Eye".

I wasn't there, and neither was Googly-Eyes, but that doesn't make it any less of a typical Hockey Dressing Room:

"... yeah, Googly-Eyes, the Goalie with the Goof-ball Eye situation. He's got this lazy eye, so basically he's playing with only one eye." It was an explination that was generating some light guffawing by the crew as they got ready for the game. Guffawing by all, except for a big fella from P.E.-Nova-Bruns-Foundland-and-Labrador.

"Nuttin' wrong with one eiye!" He wasn't impressed. Turns out he only had one eye. From there the questions started up: "How long have you had one eye?", "Do you ever have trouble on the ice?", "If I siddled up on your right side and slap you in the face or pee on your shoe, would you have any idea it was me?" The usual...

Queue the story of how the big Maritimer discovered that he was 'special' (read with Big Maritimer accent):

"I was born this way, I've never known anything different. The eye looks and moves like a normal eye, but it's a dud. I can't see anything with it. Since I spent my whole life like this it really doesn't effect me on the ice or anywhere else, it's what I'm used to. When I was younger I didn't even know that there was anything wrong. One Halloween I wanted to go out as a Pirate, so my Mom fixed me up this costume. She was putting together the final touches and when she popped the eye patch on I could see a damn thing. Totally blind. I was in grade 2."

WHAT?!?! It took you seven years of life to figure out that only one of your eyes worked?!?! You had to dress up like a pirate and don a freakin Patch to discover your unique ability to only see out of one eye?! Bahahaha I love it. Googly-Eyes you have met your match.

I can just imagine how it all went down:

"Here ya go hun, this will seal the deal..."

"What's that Ma?"

"It's an Eye Patch, all the Pirates are wearing them..."

"Okay..."

Patch goes on, lights go out.

"Ahhhh!! Ma, where do you go?! What's happening, I can't see?!?!"

"What are you going on about dear?"

"Get it off! Get it off! I hate the Eye Patch! The Eye Patch is evil! It doesn't 'seal the deal', it makes the world disappear!"

Or something to that effect. Priceless.

Everyone had a good laugh, including the One-Eyed Maritimer. It was a classic Dressing Room moment of comradery that was so fantastically outstanding that it rises above the confinds of the room to obey a higher code of conduct (shockingly a code even more powerful than 'Bros before Hoes'): Life is too Short. This is code that comes into effect when an experience arises that is so extraordinary that it's mear existance alters the state of the universe. The code states that the experience must be shared with the world. Experiences like the Kennedy Assassination, Man Landing on the Moon, the creation of the internet, getting a hole-in-one, talking your way out of a speeding ticket (hooking up with the cop that you talked your way out of a speeding ticket with), winning the Boston Marathon, Michael Phelps' record number of Olympic Golds, the election of Barak Obama, the events of 9/11, the end of the Cold War, the What's Up Superbowl commercial, being involved in a three-some (with 2 girls and a guy, no need to share if there are two or more dudes involved), a cure for cancer, a cure for male-pattern-baldness, Viagra (braveau science), the ability to simultaneously rub your stomach and tap your head (if you're not trying it right now it's because you know you can't do it), the ability to harness energy from nuclear fission, the realization of flying cars, the realization of Back-to-the-Future style hoverboads, the inventing of Oreo Cookies, Sudoku, Fire (a la Tom Hanks in Castaway or Quest for Fire), being able to ride a unicycle, the movie 'Donnie Darko' or 'Boondock Saints', Cell Phones with useless 'apps' that play viral videos, methods for increasing the efficiency of solar energy conversion, wrickle-free pants... these events are more important than pride and individual success, more significant than family and friends, more powerful told than untold, they are vital to the advancement of the planet. They alter the state of the universe. They are stories that live on, they are the foundation of lessons-learned, they are what Legend is made of.

So now, today, I share with you the Story of the One-Eyed Maritimer, not because it is the funniest thing ever (which it is), but because the world needs to know that it is possible for someone to live for 7 years without knowing that only one of their eyes works. This isn't why Eye Patches were invented, but it's why they should have been invented. Have you ever worn an Eye Patch, you might have a dud eye too...

St. Pad

The emotional clash between the 'All-Singing, All-Dancing, one-day Shamrocks' and the 'Fun is Bad, Assassins of Holiday Spirit' is epic. Does anyone else take joy in observing this awkward fallout on March 17th? My routine is Switzerland. I sport a mild amount of green and then facilitate confrontation. Do I feel bad about this? Nooooo. The people who pinch, the Pinchers, they have their McGreen-Radar sensitivity level through the roof and their 'Do something about it' obligation set to 'Annoy'. With or without my suggestive commentary they would eventually find the Normies and would begin their attack. My job is simply to fast-track the process and ensure that I'm around to encourage the chaos. Of course it's not as easy as that. A simple pinch may only conjure an uncomfortable forced smile and fake laugh, my Switzerland must stoke the fire within the Poopers-of-the-Parties and emphasize the ridiculousness of the No-Green punishment that is headed their way. Teeth grinding, fists clenching; these characters have subconsciously gone Sans-Vert with the hope, the want, the need to explode in an embarrassing tirade of Holiday-Hatred. It's amazing how little involvement is required to create disaster.

I play an important role in all this. Too often the public gets all caught up in the celebration of Saint Patrick and his title role as the Christian Missionary who spread the word of God across the rolling hills of Ireland. People forget the Hallmark significance of the PotOGold-DancingLeprechaun-CloverHoarding-BarBrawling-BeerGuzzling tradition of this Calendar Marker. It's hard enough to ensure the proper mass consumption of Green Alcoholic BEvERages during a weekday March 17th, without having to worry about the need to encourage Tomfoolery and Shenanigans. I am doing my part to make this day True. This Holiday requires committment. Committment from the Haters, the Fakers, and the warped Switzerlands.

She can wear whatever she wants... or nothing at all...

The Fun doesn't stop with the Green Costumes. How about Bad Irish accents? I can't get enough of them. It's one thing to roll with the 'Everybody's Irish on St Patrick's Day' idea, but if you know you're a big old fony, why would you go through the struggle of trying to pass off an Australian-German hybrid as Celtic tongue. For some reason these are the same people that get louder and further from Irish the more their audience laughs (...at them, they never pick up on that, we are laughing At them).

It's not unusual for the Bad Irish accent crowd to also suddenly turn into St. Patrick wiz-kidz. It doesn't get much better than watching a couple of Lucky-Charms try to one-up one another with the same stail Wikipedia Quotes from the page that's posted on the office kitchen wall. You are not clever, your knowledge doesn't impress us, you are annoying and I want to throw a rabid-Leprechaun at you.

How about the brain behind the St. Patrick's day cookie scam. This guy is Einstein smart. Of course people need clover-shaped cookies on the 17th, they need them like the Irish need an excuse to drink (as an Irishman myself I feel that comment is just edgy enough).

The bottom line is that all this is Ridiculous, and that's why I love it. Everyone needs to relax and not try so hard. You don't celebrate the nation of Ireland by pinning up a bunch a green streamers and wearing a four-leaf colver pin, you are embarassing yourself, and the Irish probably want to fight you. Just drink a Beer, watch Boondock Saint, and everything will fall into place, including that Bad accent.

Come on Fellas, tone'r down a little (refer to above picture to remove image of two large men from your mind...)

Barack Obama: Serial Pastry Grifter

Barack Obama; this guy is good. First he gets himself elected as President of the United States (well played good sir), then he got his hands on 7oo-plus billion dollars (nice little chunk of change), and now he's stocking up on our Canadian pride and joy; the Maple.

Sure, sure, there will of course be some public interest in the Obama-Harper matters of discussion such as the Environment (Go Green or Go Home), the Economy (a stimulating topic), and Foreign Policy ("let's form an alliance and vote off the terrorists"), but the excitement of that political chit-chattery pales in comparison to the American President's Wheeling-and-Dealing seminar in Ottawa.

Most Powerful Man in the World, fine. First Black President of the USA, right, so I've been told. But I say, come on Barack, step up, impress me. Well earlier this week he answered the call while visiting our nation's capital. Amidst all the ObamAmazing highlight reel hits, the speeches, the big moves, it was his bravery and charisma at the front lines of 'Pastry' that sold me on the idea of 'President Obama'. Following his meeting with Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Obama made a surprise visit to an Ottawa Market, where he 'attempted' to purchase some maple leaf cookies from Le Moulin de Provence, a local bakery. Well, it's the President of the United States of American, of course the owner is going to toss out the old 'no, no, it's on the house' or maybe it was a little of the 'your money is no good here'. Either way, one slow-rolling move for the wallet and a charming Barack smile later, and the President had himself a few free maple leafs specials.

This may seem like nothing, a minor detail, a kind gesture, a piece of good hospitality, but it's about more than just a man and a pastry. And I won't even get into the controversy of the leader of the USA 'accepting gifts' - no worries, the cookies were worth less than the $350 maximum acceptable gift value, no crimes here, just bakery-trickery.

It's not surprise that I'm faced with here, it's more that I am impressed by the audacity of Mr.-Stimulate-the-Economy to Not Pay for the cookies. What about the trickle down effect? What about the need for spending? It's not like he didn't have the cash for it, I seem to remember some headline about 700-and-some billion USD. I don't know, I think I like it though. I think I like that I don't know what to expect from the new Pres anymore; first the 'Yes We Can', now the scamming of treats, the anticipation of his next move is killing me.

I'm a fan of free cookies myself, so maybe it's that I can now better relate to the guy, or maybe it's that in other news Barack Obama received a free Beaver Tail from another un-named vendor. And I looked into it, I'm told that a Beaver Tail is a sort of donut, and not actually the tail of nature's heroic Engineer (from one Engineer to another, the Beaver is okay in my books). Barack Obama: serial Pastry Grifter.

Regardless of the details, what matters the most is that The Obama is now on my radar. Leading by example, he is advising his fellow citizens to cross the 49th for a round of free desserts... my desserts. I am watching you Barack Obama. Enjoy the Maple, but know that I am on to you.

The NHL All-Stars... no one cares.

So I'm picturing myself as one of the following:

- An 8 year-old kid ready for shenanigans, wanting to sleep in their hockey equipment, having memorized the back of every '08-'09 hockey card they can get their hands on.

- A 22 year-old new grad having emerged from the dark depths of an Undergraduate degree, seeing the light of day for the first time in four years.

- Tom Hanks from Castaway, returning to civilization after battling the elements for long enough to grow a ridiculous beard.

- Some random who Ewan McGregor met during the filming of the Long Way Down, who has never seen snow and doesn't speak anything close to English.

- A Soccer Mom.

- A Stay at home Dad.

- A Golden Retriever.

- Me.

And as one of the above I am surprised, confused, disappointed, and in need of more of an explanation than the mindless whining that has attacked me over the passed week.

The NHL All-Star Game, scratch that, the NHL All-Star Weekend has come and gone, and book-ending the two day event has been variations of: "the NHL All-Star Game is a big pile of Trash!" Radio Stations, Editorials, Pan-Handlers on the corner of 4th and 7th, some guy in the fitness centre trying to decided between standing or sitting in front of the TV while curling a set of 2 lbs dumb-bells, my used-to-be friend Sam, they all happen to be experts on the matter of 'All-Stars' and the 'NHL's showcasing of them', and without room for compromise or the sound of an opinion other than their own, they have crucified the entire Weekend and forced everyone to know about it.

Take a breather cause I'm not done.

I'm back to picturing myself as one of the listed individuals above, and whether I'm in 3 pools and watch 4 to 5 periods of the game a night, or have no idea what 'ice hackey' is, my impression of the All-Star Weekend is that the majority of 'Fans' despise the concept.

So what is the concept. From the 30 professional teams that battle for 3/4 of the calendar year in the most competitive hockey league on the planet, just over 40 players are chosen to showcase their talent over a two day period. But it's not just that they create magic on the ice during the Superskills Competition and the All-Star Game, these ambassadors of the sport and role models to millions gather and consult the topic of Hockey. Everything from rule changes to league dynamic to plays of the year get talked about by everyone who matters. It's a concentrated look at the sport and seemingly a Holy Grail of a hockey weekend for fanatics. So what's the deal then? What is it about interviews with Crosby, Speed-of-Sound challenging Howitzers from Chara, art on ice from Kovalev, and a 12-11 Shoot-Out finish that doesn't appeal to the sport's biggest fans? I'm lost, but here's some of the nonsense I've heard thrown around:

- "It's not a game, there's no defence, no hitting, no intensity".

Funny, this 'Not a Game', seems to have gone to Shootout. And what's wrong with Offence!?!? The truth here is that the whiners are whiners for life. Who knows what the next big whine is going to be about; different day same old cry-baby special. Not enough scoring before the Lockout, so the league changes the rules and favours offence (sounds good to me). But for this particular situation it was decided that there was such thing as 'too much offence'. Who wants to see a showcase of stay-at-home defencemen? I personally think that seeing the greatest danglers in the world dance around the rink and bring the game's average plays to the level of 'highlight reel' is something pretty special. However who am I but some sucker for the beauty the game's Ultimate Triumph - a Goal. Watch defence and wait for the big hits during the rest of the season, but don't rain on my starry-eyed parade with your 'No Defence'. Just enjoy the 20 plus goals for what they are; a demonstration of pure talent. Oh and 'no intensity', what are you after? You want a little man-advantage three or four periods into overtime of game seven of Stanley's march? Is that? Intensity - just take a timeout from the continual adrenaline rush, you suspense junkies, and grab some intensity during the two full months of post season craziness that is just around the corner.

Can no one appreciate the smiles? I'm watching high-paid, athletic machines, that have devoted their entire lives to reaching this VIP club, where every move they make is front and centre for all to criticize, where millions and millions of dollar signs means it's a Business first, entertainment second, and somewhere beyond that a 'Game', where off-seasons are now the 24/7 training must, and where if you're not 'great' then you're 'garbage' and you're going to be posting facetime in the minors... and I'm watching them have FUN. You hear 'for the love of the game' get tossed around with that arsenal of sports cliches and it's hard to be a believer, but when these professionals are laughing it up, joking around with each other, and goofing off on the ice like that 8 year-old I mentioned earlier, you can feel the love. Feel it, and enjoy it. With all the other Bull-Shizen that surrounds the 'Game', these guys still play cause they really, really can't help but love to.

So now maybe I'm a sucker for the Ultimate Triumph AND I'm a hopeless romantic. If you don't want to watch it, then don't watch it, but shut your big yapper on what the All-Star Game should or shouldn't be. Just because you want the game to be some version of the Stanley Cup Finals meets the '72 Summit-series meets a historic montage of the best of UFC, doesn't mean that it's going to happen. I want more than 7 people to read this blog, but I'm not going to start throwing a hiss-fit about it.

If you're still not convinced, and expect the Stanley-Cup-Summit-Series-UFC game to exist at some point, good for you, keep on hating. If you're still not convinced, but wouldn't mind a five minute distraction where 23 goals are scored, NHL.com can help. Here's 40 of the best hockey players in the world that spent a weekend All-Staring it up, but what do they know right...

http://www.nhl.com/ice/eventhome.htm?location=/allstar/2009

2008 Movie Yearbook

The January to February Transition marks the beginning of Awards season and the close of another year's worth of movies. Another year of movies, another list of movies; everyone is weighing in. By now there are Top-10s of Top-10s topping each other everywhere, 5 Worst-of-the-year lists for every Best-of, Big Winners and Bigger Losers, Box-Office Stallions, Big-Budget Busts, Cult Favourites, Surprise Hits, and those movies that Critics love to love that you haven't seen yet. I've looked through too many of these hit-lists and can't help but wonder if maybe there are few recycled opinions out there. Sometimes there are clear-cut classics that make history right before our eyes, however, is it possible that that jump up to the Bandwagon is maybe a little too easy for a few too many? Don't worry about that right now. Worry about enjoying the following collection of 2008 Must-Cs. It's one thing to toss out the top 10 movies of year, but a year's worth of movies is so much more than a few Great films. That's why I have put together my 2008 Movie Yearbook:

Best Performance by anyone who came near the Screen: Heath Ledger as the Joker (the Dark Knight)

- The fact that his Golden Globe nomination and subsequent win was for a Supporting Role is ridiculous. Ledger managed to create a character that demanded the audience's full attention making every word he spoke more interesting than most of the movies released in '08. From the movie Trailer, to the teaser poster, the Joker built an overwhelming anticipation for the Dark Knight, and upon helping to deliver a masterpiece of a movie Ledger captivated the crowds without distracting from the film. Pure Gold. And he definitely "Put a smile on That face!"

Best Trailers:

- Pineapple Express (Red Band)

- the Dark Knight (Theatrical)
- In Bruges (Theatrical)
- Quantum of Solace (TV Spot)

- Rocknrolla (Theatrical)

- Funny Games (Theatrical)

Top Scary-Me Crazy Movies:
- the Strangers
- the Ruins
- the Eye
- the 11th Hour
- Shutter

- the Orphanage (okay this might be an '07 film, but it's scary enough to defeat calendar constraints)

Best Line of the Year: "What the Fuck have you done today?!" - James McAvoy as Wesley Gibson (Wanted)
- It could have been the Joker's "Let's put a smile on that face!", or "Why so Serious!" or anything from 'In Bruges', 'Burn After Reading', or 'Step Brothers', BUT having McAvoy look into the camera at the end of a killer monologue that caped the building energy of Wanted and slap you with these words of wisdom... it got applause. It was Fantastic!

Be my Girlfriend Honors:
(It takes more than just Hottie-Accessories... these girlies are the real deal)

- Mila Kunitz (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
- Anne Hathaway (Get Smart)

- Michelle Monohan (Eagle Eye)

- Rachel Bilston (Jumper)

Badass Hottie that you're kind of afraid might kill you: Angelina Jolie (Wanted)

The Crank Award / Single Man Wrecking Crew:

- Rambo: Stalon's John Rambo hasn't lost a step, he is still just as capable of slaughtering a jungles worth of Scum. You can't keep a good man down, and you can't keep a good Rambo from saving the innocent and killing everything else.

- Quantum of Solace: What good is a license to kill if you aren’t going to use it? Bond has simply run out of patience for suggesting that the Bad Guys don’t do bad things, he has decided to kill them, all of them, and he seems to be fine with it. And I am fine with it too.

Best Porno with Editing, Transitions, a little music... and a Theatrical Release: Young People Fucking
- You might think this title is All-Talk, but it's pretty accurate; a movie about a bunch of young people... yep. (Film includes storyline, character development, and a few laughs as a bonus)

Favourite Villains:

- Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks, and Laura Margolis (the masked People from the Strangers)

- Jeff Bridges (Iron Man)

- Ralph Fiennes (In Bruges)
- Roger Allam (British Bloke with the bad teeth from Speed Racer)
- Michael Pitt and Brady Corbet (the Boys of Funny Games)

Most Hated Villain: Little Girl from Atonement
- Wow, horrible, horrible person, makes me so mad!! (this is a 2007 movie, but my hatred for this little girl is deep, she may make the 2009 list)

True and Absolute Depression Award: Before the Devil Knows you're Dead.
- Just when you think things can't get worse, they do, and they continue to get worse until they finally reach the point where they can't get any worse... but they still get worse. Complete Misery. Good movie, but miserable, no redemption what so ever.

Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique Award: Skadoosh! (Kung Fu Panda)
- Right out of the pages of a Tarantino Script…

Best Car Chase: Speed Racer (the entire movie)
- This was a solid movie. I don't know how you are suppose to market a Feature based on a Japanimation Cartoon from the '60s that is both a family film and a mind blowing Wachowski creation, but I do know that even after I gave it the seal of approval I had quite the time trying to convince people to go see it. Watch it, it'll make you feel something.

Best Superhero Movie that didn't star Dark Knights or Jokers: Iron Man
- Robert Downey Jr. is unstoppable in this role. Additionally the hero of the film is an Engineer. Kudos to Swinger Favreau for glorifying the butt of far to many jokes. (As an Engineer I approve this movie - Tony Stark for President!)

Favourite Love Story: Wristcutters
- Not sappy, not a chick-flick, and not the usual boy-meets-girl Hollywood Extra Value Meal. Men do not Fear Wristcutters.

Forrest Gump / Go-Have-A-Good-Cry Award: the Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- The movie messes with your emotions (tough guys beware); you feel so much love for life and appreciation for what the world has to offer, while being crushed by a sadness and despair, and it happens all at the same time. The result is tears, lots of tears. I loved it.

Best Characters that weren't Ledger's Joker:
- Brad Pitt (Chad Feldneimer - Burn After Reading)
- Logan Lerman (The Kid - Meet Bill)
- Ryan Gosling (Lars Lindstrom - Lars and the Real Girl)
- Russell Brand (Aldous Snow - Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
- Dwayne Johnson (Boxer Santaros - Southland Tales)
- Toby Kebbell (Johnny Quid - Rocknrolla)
- Bobb'e J. Thompson (Ronnie Shields - Role Models)
- Robert Downey Jr. (Kirk Lazarus - Tropic Thunder)
- James Franco (Saul Silver - Pineapple Express)
- Neil Patrick Harris (NPH - Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay)

Vampire Film Awards:
- Best Vampire Teen Romance Novel Adaptation: Twilight
- Best Swedish Vampire Love Story: Let the Right One In

Tarantino Award: Hell Ride
- QT had a hand in this one, and it's littered with tell-tale signs. Great dialogue, rich characters, and just a touch of inappropriate violence. It's the dirty world of Big Bad Bikes.

Best Indiana Jones Movie of the Year: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
- If you like Harrison Ford, you'll like it. If you like the Indy series, you'll like it. If you're a Shia fan, you'll like it. If you like action-adventure movies, you'll like it. If you like to pan movies because they're not legitimate contenders for best movie of Ever, you'll like it. If you think Indiana Jones and his Hat are unbearable... you may not like it.

Best Slaps Sequence: Rocknrolla
- There is also a very thorough explanation of when and how a Good Slap should be executed.

Tourism Award: In Bruges (I want to go to Belgium)

Best In-Movie Recap: Pineapple Express
- While sitting around a table in a coffee shop, still covered in the aftermath of the Chaos that only a Stoner-Action movie can provide, the gang talks about everything that has just happened and decides that they are best friends. This move is comedy gold.

Best Spontaneous Singing and Dancing Sequence: Southland Tales (Justin Timberlake - the Killers 'All These Things that I've Done')

Coolest Movie Abilities Prizes:
- Teleportation (Jumper)
- Curving Bullets (Wanted)
- Cutting off Heads with large knives (Rambo)
- Flying under the influence (Hancock)
- Crash Landing one's self (Ironman)
- Destroying Lots of Stuff (the Incredible Hulk)
- Kung-Fuing a Dumpling (Kung Fu Panda)
- Doing Math (21)
- Driving (Speed Racer)
- Getting Back into a Plane you've jumped out of without having it land (the Dark Knight)

'Coming of Age... Or Not' Award: Charlie Bartlett
- Aside from the fact that Downey Jr. is in this movie, and that people should automatically see any movie that he is in without asking questions, Charlie Bartlett is the result of a whole mix of classics with a touch of its own thing. Ferris Bueller + Harold and Maude + Rushmore + Thumbsucker + Rocket Science + attitude + clever wit = something pretty close to Charlie Bartlett. Watch it if you went to high school...

Best Theme Song: Another Way to Die - Jack White & Alicia Keys (Quantum of Solace)
- It was the first Bond song performed as a duet, brought intrigue and anticipation in the TV Spot trailer, and set the stage for classic 007 during the opening credits. Plus it gets trapped in your head... and you have no problem with that. "Another dirty money heaven-sent honey turning on a dime..."

Monster Movie Match Up: Cloverfield vs the Host
- And the winner is... just watch both. Cloverfield envelops you in the movie, surrounding you with its continuous destruction as the main characters race the streets of Manhattan carrying you in their hand-held. The Host slaps you in the face with complete Monster-Demolition, leaving a lot of carnage in it's path and a chance for heroics. (Additionally, if you switch from watching with sub-titles and instead turn on the English dubbing The Host becomes a comedy, and a funny one). Two great takes on the action-adventure set-up.

Best Running Movie: Run Fatboy Run
- Also best use of Chelsea Dagger by the Fratellis while a Simon Pegg runs in a speedo.

Best Vince Vaughn Moment: Baby Puke Scene (4 Christmases)
- This is one of the funniest scenes of the year; "Get away from me, I'm going to do it too!!!"

Best Chess on the Screen: 'Body of Lies' & 'Deception'
- Both these movies have a one-two punch of heavy-weight acting with DiCaprio and Crowe trying to decide if they are on the same side in Body of Lies, and Jackman and McGregor playing mind games with each other in Deception. Smart movies, with smart characters, for smart viewers... so pay attention.

Minority Report / Fear of the Future Award: Eagle Eye
- Three reasons to see this movie:
1) the direction by DJ Caruso (Disturbia mastermind)
2) the high Hottie-levels of Michelle Monohan
3) Shia ('nough said, LaBeouf is the man)

Favourite Robot Love Story of the Year: Wall-E
Runner-up for Fear of the Future Award: Wall-E
Best Non-Kung-Fu Animated Feature: Wall-E
Go-Green-or-the-World-will-End Award: Wall-E

The Must-See Straight to DVDs:

- Revolver (why the Brits panned this film and filed it under 'No Good, ship 3 copies overseas for North America' is beyond me, it's Guy Ritchie with a Twist)
- Sleuth (Michael Caine and Jude Law play winner takes all and make up the rules as they go, all the viewer has to do is try and keep up)
- Southland Tales (Richard Kelly got confused during pre-production and instead of creating a movie he created an entire messed-up world)
- Numb (I don't know what Matthew Perry did with Chandler, but there is no sign of the goof ball here, Perry's Hudson so messed up you wonder how or why such an lost character moves forward)
- Meet Bill (Can't go wrong with Aaron Eckhart, and after getting pushed around by everyone in his life, he takes a page out of K. Spacey's book and American Beauty's his mediocre life)
- Felon (special thanks to Stephen Dorf for being in a movie that didn't absolutely suck... who is managing this guys career. Felon killed!)

Non-Stop Laughs:
- Pineapple Express
- Role Models
- Step Brothers
- Forgetting Sarah Marshall
- You don't Mess with the Zohan
- Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
- Yes Man
- Get Smart
- Zack and Miri Make a Porno
- Tropic Thunder

My Own Top-10:
- the Dark Knight
- In Bruges
- Burn After Reading
- Rocknrolla
- Quantum of Solace
- Funny Games
- Iron Man
- Let the Right One In
- the Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- Revolutionary Road

Bonus Pick:
- the Dark Knight (on IMAX) - Yeah that's right, TDK makes the list twice...

These are the best movies of 2008. You may want to shuffle them around, squeeze a few off the list, sneak a couple on, maybe even throw together a top 25 or 50, but those are all minor details... The bottom line is, these movies must be seen. Watch them all in one day. Okay, excessive, but put them on your To-Do list, and then Do them. Ready for the Guarentee: I know this, as you wipe away the tears, gasp for air between cackles, feel the warmth of your soul fill your body, put up with the ringing in your ears from the death screams, drop the "What are you kidding me?!?!" cries, manage the adrenaline that shocks your being, reflect on the big picture, appreciate the small things, get up and dance, and above all "Feel", you'll pause, soak it all up, decide that you are madly in love with Film, and find yourself saying, 'Damn Jack, that was a good call. That was Worth the Watch'. Enjoy.

!!! Spoiler Alert - Tropic Thunder !!!

The Will Ferrel from Wedding Crashers / Surprise Performance Award: Les Grossman (Tropic Thunder)
- This was hands down one of the biggest movie events of the year. A lot of people left the theatre with no idea that Tom Cruise was in Tropic Thunder. Hand him an award, hell hand him the award, give him the freakin Supporting Actor Oscar. Les Grossman was such a hit that the TV ad campaign shifted after T-T's opening week and became all about 'Who is Les Grossman?'

New Year's Resolutions

2009: The Year of the Ox, the beginning of President Obama, the return of James Cameron... a New 365, and of course, a fresh set of New Year's Resolutions.

The New Year's Resolution is ridiculous. Let's step back, cut the cover-up, and be honest; Ridiculous. The idea is a nice little package of optimism, surrounded by excitement, enthusiasm, good intentions, smiles, rainbows, unicorns, and happiness. In theory I love the concept of starting something new, creating a change, and improving one's life. And from a personal perspective I have actually had a strange amount of success with the January One agreements I've made in the passed. But let's face it, the average life expectancy of a New Year's Resolution is somewhere between seven hours and thirty days. I'm always quite impressed when I catch someone passing on dessert in February, because the diet is still a Go. In my opinion it's the death of Resolutions in January that make month One the most depressing month of the year (scientifically proven that January is in fact the most depressing month - honestly google that ridiculousness, you may also find that some will specify January 24th is the most depressing day of the year... this also happens to be my birthday, hmmm).

So how do the New Year's Goals beat the odds? You have to commit. Step up and accept that it's going to be difficult. It's never an easy transition between the naturally comfortable state that people's lives tend towards and the structure that an innovation to your Day-to-Day causes. People are ambitious, especially the people who resolve to resolve in the New Year, so the easy part is coming up with the Heavy-Hitter list of Resolutions: 'Lose 50 pounds of Fat, gain 70 pounds of muscle, and become an MMA champ in the next UFC', 'Join the New York Philharmonic... oh, but buy a violin first... no, learn to play the violin first, then buy a violin, then the Philharmonic', 'Volunteer 70 hours a week', 'Reduce my Carbon-Foot print by living in a Tree, and reusing toilet-paper', 'Become a Millionaire'... but seriously it is far to easy to set the goal, the challenge is figuring out how to introduce it into your routine.

The four steps I take to the New Year's Resolution process and the four things I try to avoid:

1)
-DO: Reflect on my life and decide how I can make the next version of ME an upgrade from the previous year's model.
-EX: On a regular basis I fall victim to fatigue and find myself drained of energy and exhausted. I need to get more sleep.
-DO NOT: Pull out of thin air a Harebrained piece of Tomfoolery that is totally inconceivable as an attainable goal.
-EX: Fly like Superman.

2)
-DO: Decide what changes I will need to make to incorporate this new idea into my life.
-EX: Give up on that extra hour of TV that 'Late-Night Guy' convinces me to watch every night, and instead head for bed.
-DO NOT: Believe that you are Full of all kinds of Awesomeness and will just 'Make it Happen'.
-EX: Roll around in Nuclear/Radioactive Goo and gain a Super Power.

3)
-DO: Realize that what ever sacrifice you have made will call to you and tempt you, and that this can not be ignored.
-EX: Late-Night Guy's TV is all about Relaxation, Enjoyment, and Mental Reprieve (unless it's Lost in which case my mind is on overdrive), it's possible that my day may lack in these categories and feel too rushed, and structured, and 'Jack Webb: Engineer' like. Should this problem present itself I will turn to whatever book I'm exploring and read a few pages in bed (I know that in reality I am more then likely exhausted and will be comatose within 3 paragraphs...)
-DO NOT: Forget that there is a reason you weren't already doing what ever it is you have Resolved to do. If it was an easy fix, you probably would have already fixed it prior to resolving to do so.
-EX: I will give up my sloth ways of 22 hours of Rest per day and I will do it starting... NOW. Cold-Turkey!! I rule!!!!

4)
-DO: Stick to it, and don't be a huge baby.
-EX: When Late-Night Guy starts to wield his magic, 'It's one show, you can skip the commercials, that's 43 minutes, it's just like being in bed, do it, DO IT!!!', say 'No means No Late-Night Guy, don't tempt me with your trickery and nonsense'.
-DO NOT: Completely fall apart and throw a tantrum at the first sign of adversity.
-EX: 'Forget it. Life sucks and the world hates me. I give up on everything, and hate you all!!'

Now at this point I should advise that it's entirely possible I have no idea what I'm talking about, but there is the chance that I'm in fact a genius...

So with this game plan, and alleged passed victories, 'Why drill New Year's Resolutions O Wise One?', you may ask. Well, simple. Yesterday was January 5th, also known as the return to the office, the return to the routine, the return to the Real World... the end of Me-vs-the-Holiday; January 5th is the beginning of The Test. Everything prior to this day is all theoretical and it looks gooooood on paper, but The Test is a different story. The Test is dirty, and real, and in your face. The Test is the end of the beginning and the first chance at proving you can commit to the wild and wonderful New You. The Test is that Struggle that you know you want... The Test is the day that the Fitness Centre is jam-packed with Newbies looking to change their spare tire, drop those tag-along extra pounds, and wreck my Training. The place is packed. I can't pretend I want to move it's so busy. Go Away Newbies! Two weeks ago I had my own personal Fitness Centre, free to juggle dumb-bells, Lance-Armstrong stationary bikes, surf on wobble-boards, I could have prepared for the National somersault championships if I wanted to. And now... Newbies. I share, don't get me wrong I can share. But this is ridiculous. Every year, at every gym it's always the same; for three weeks the place is packed, packed with enthusiasm, energy, excitement, and packed with dying New Year's Resolutions. It's just how it goes down. I know the Resolution Ritual can work, I am happy to see people want to better themselves, and I love having new recruits join the Fitness Centre team, but dammit, everyone at once? Really? Newbies, you're killing me. I take my Training very seriously (What am I training for? What am I Not training for?! I'm training for life, and I'm ready to compete at any second, Bring it!), and if I'm having to juggle dumb-bells with someone else, or wander around aimlessly while a dozen people push shopping carts on the treadmills, I'm gunna... well I probably won't do anything about it, maybe I'll write a follow-up Post full of clever whining and witty complaints, or start working really hard while I'm there (in general this seems to make people uncomfortable, both because it shows that they aren't working that hard, and because the average person feels uneasy at the sight of human suffering, plus sweat seems to gross people out).

Where are we now?
1) New Year's Resolutions don't work.
2) They might if you follow these 4 steps, and believe that I know what I'm talking about.
3) Stay out of my Gym Newbies.

A few loose ends - I have three Resolutions myself, none of them too Earth-Shattering (I don't Shatter-the-Earth very often, maybe that should have been a Goal for 2009...):
- Get more Sleep (I don't know what the question is, but the answer is definitely NAP)
- Become more Flexible (it's just sad if you are 'athletic' and can't touch your toes)
- Write more (who isn't going to benefit from this one)

And a few of my passed Alleged Successes:
- My daily Training is based on a Resolution.
- I've kept a daily Journal (there's some scary stuff in there) for seven years and it all started on January 1.

So it's January 6th, are your resolutions still alive?