St. Pad

The emotional clash between the 'All-Singing, All-Dancing, one-day Shamrocks' and the 'Fun is Bad, Assassins of Holiday Spirit' is epic. Does anyone else take joy in observing this awkward fallout on March 17th? My routine is Switzerland. I sport a mild amount of green and then facilitate confrontation. Do I feel bad about this? Nooooo. The people who pinch, the Pinchers, they have their McGreen-Radar sensitivity level through the roof and their 'Do something about it' obligation set to 'Annoy'. With or without my suggestive commentary they would eventually find the Normies and would begin their attack. My job is simply to fast-track the process and ensure that I'm around to encourage the chaos. Of course it's not as easy as that. A simple pinch may only conjure an uncomfortable forced smile and fake laugh, my Switzerland must stoke the fire within the Poopers-of-the-Parties and emphasize the ridiculousness of the No-Green punishment that is headed their way. Teeth grinding, fists clenching; these characters have subconsciously gone Sans-Vert with the hope, the want, the need to explode in an embarrassing tirade of Holiday-Hatred. It's amazing how little involvement is required to create disaster.

I play an important role in all this. Too often the public gets all caught up in the celebration of Saint Patrick and his title role as the Christian Missionary who spread the word of God across the rolling hills of Ireland. People forget the Hallmark significance of the PotOGold-DancingLeprechaun-CloverHoarding-BarBrawling-BeerGuzzling tradition of this Calendar Marker. It's hard enough to ensure the proper mass consumption of Green Alcoholic BEvERages during a weekday March 17th, without having to worry about the need to encourage Tomfoolery and Shenanigans. I am doing my part to make this day True. This Holiday requires committment. Committment from the Haters, the Fakers, and the warped Switzerlands.

She can wear whatever she wants... or nothing at all...

The Fun doesn't stop with the Green Costumes. How about Bad Irish accents? I can't get enough of them. It's one thing to roll with the 'Everybody's Irish on St Patrick's Day' idea, but if you know you're a big old fony, why would you go through the struggle of trying to pass off an Australian-German hybrid as Celtic tongue. For some reason these are the same people that get louder and further from Irish the more their audience laughs (...at them, they never pick up on that, we are laughing At them).

It's not unusual for the Bad Irish accent crowd to also suddenly turn into St. Patrick wiz-kidz. It doesn't get much better than watching a couple of Lucky-Charms try to one-up one another with the same stail Wikipedia Quotes from the page that's posted on the office kitchen wall. You are not clever, your knowledge doesn't impress us, you are annoying and I want to throw a rabid-Leprechaun at you.

How about the brain behind the St. Patrick's day cookie scam. This guy is Einstein smart. Of course people need clover-shaped cookies on the 17th, they need them like the Irish need an excuse to drink (as an Irishman myself I feel that comment is just edgy enough).

The bottom line is that all this is Ridiculous, and that's why I love it. Everyone needs to relax and not try so hard. You don't celebrate the nation of Ireland by pinning up a bunch a green streamers and wearing a four-leaf colver pin, you are embarassing yourself, and the Irish probably want to fight you. Just drink a Beer, watch Boondock Saint, and everything will fall into place, including that Bad accent.

Come on Fellas, tone'r down a little (refer to above picture to remove image of two large men from your mind...)