Classic Survivor

It's been a week, but that doesn't change the fact that I am all about the 'Congratulations Bob!' Sole Survivor, and last man standing from 'Survivor: Gabon' (pronounced Ga-bone, or ga-BONE!!!, Gaaa-bOOOOOOne - give it a go, it's the most fun I've had with a Survivor title so far). Bob, the 57 year-old physics teacher grabbed both the million dollar grand prize and the $100,000 Fan Favourite title, becoming the first Survivor Castaway to earn himself enough votes from both his castaway peers and the die-hard fans to win it all, twice.



When asked where he got the items used to make the fake Hidden Immunity Idol, Bob said 'I take stuff'.






Need a recap. Man, this was a great season, you should be watching this stuff. Commit People, Commit:

The guy deserved it. 'Bob, the 57 year-old physics teacher'; this is how survivors are labelled, Name, Age, Profession. But Bob is so much more than just 'the old guy' or the 'crazy physics lab-coat'... Bob is the old-guy-crazy-physics-lab-coat who does it all. A genuinely nice, caring guy, who built strong friendships and managed to fly-under-the-radar while winning challenge after challenge, Bob was not just a provider at camp he was a camp architect. For many structuring a solid shelter would be enough, but Bob built his tribe a bench, a cooking station, and a sun-dial giving them luxurious comfort that the other tribe couldn't even imagine (the other tribe was a huge disaster, and that was really fun to watch - I don't know what it is about seeing Mean People suffer, but I get a kick out of it). Outwit, Outplay, Outlast: how about creating not one but two fake Hidden Immunity Idols for a little of the Outwit. Both idols ended up fooling people right out of the game, leaving Bob to Outwit his way in and out of ruthless alliances as they fell apart around him. After chasing records for 'number of challenges' won in a row, Bob couldn't extend his streak in the last Immunity competition leaving him open for a seemly guaranteed exit. But once again, with a target covering his whole game, he grab a crucial vote, which forced a tie breaker, which he had anticipated earlier in the day and practiced for. He was able to build fire like Survivorman Meets Bear Grylls, he made it to the final three, and he won himself $1,000,000.


GC: I don't even know the guys real name. Who care though; he was elected by his tribe to be their leader, 18 hours later he quit the position, then he quit the game.




Crystal: Most unimpressive Gold Medal Olympian to ever have an 'Unathletic Montage' on national television.









Ace: Everyone was so convinced that this character was a snake, that the season's most burning question was whether his posh brittish accent was a fake.





Okay so it's not a great recap, but that's what you get for slacking. It's Survivor, it's entertaining, get off your high horse and watch already.

True this was a great season. It was full of twists and turns and I really never knew what was going on until another blind side / backstab / team shake up / double tribal vote-off had capped the episode leaving me wanting much, much more. In previous Survivors lines are drawn in the sand and alliances battle it out, tribes form within tribes, and eventually the underdog takes on the crew with the numbers. This Survivor was different, this Survivor was crazy. Every episode there was a new alliance of double-crossing tricksters, promising new lies, and trying to betray someone with a new version of the same deception. Physical threats were muscled out, strategists were outsmarted, Quitters quit, Good-vs-Evil turned to Evil-vs-Evil, the useless prevailed, the confident failed, under-achievers dominated, Mean was pushed around by Meaner, mistakes became the norm, Exile was an Oasis, and just when it seemed like all order in the universe was lost, Bob won.



Corinne: Don't be fooled by the picture (and stop looking at her... eyes), this is the nastiest individual to get airtime on cable. Pure Evil. And she loves everything about herself.





Sugar: Found the Hidden Immunity Idol, helped vote out the entire Jury, cried in every episode, was runner up in 'Favourite Survivor' votes after Bob, and mistakenly cared about people who wanted to feed her to the elephants. She's one of this fans favourites.


The one constant that didn't waiver with Gabon was the Jury. That bitter, irrational Jury. It's always the same; the second half of the season focuses on the development of lunatic-maniacs who sit and watch with bubbling envy as the people who threw them out of the game get closer and closer to glory. This time around, two Jury members actually stated that the final tribal council was only about revenge for them. Gory, ugly revenge. The other five voters did their worst impression of happy/caring/sane people as they unleashed a life-times worth of rage on the three finalists. At times the anger left them not only blind to the goal of the final tribal council (to figure out who they should back as overall champion of this crazy ride), but completely incoherent. There was nastiness going on here that fictional TV shows couldn't get away with. What is wrong with people? Everyone is the main character in their own little movie, expecting the world not to revolve around them, but to pick them up and carry them to a promised land where their movie is the Dark Knight or Titanic or the Departed. Their movie sucks. Their movie is the Truth About Charlie meets the never released not-funny-not-charming romantic comedy full of staged action, forced drama, and some not-cute-enough pet trying to hold the whole thing together, starring no-one, no-one, Steven Seagal, no-one, Gwyneth Paltow, and no-one. They're Bank Manager #2 whose only scene is buried on the Editing Room floor. Not everything is about you ('you' being the 7 psycho-lunatic-insane Me-Monsters who waited patiently for their turn to make absolute fools of themselves while 'wielding' the power to give someone $1,000,000). Take a break from yourself and look around, nobody likes you, because you are horrible people. Okay, there were a few exceptions, but the overall theme was 'the Jury hated life and all that was apart of it'. How is it possible that Susie almost won Survivor? This wasn't an underdog, this wasn't a 'fly-below-the-radar' player, this was an extra name at the start of the episode who made the tribe numbers equal. How did she make it to the final three you might ask, because she at no point even resembled the second-cousin-twice-removed of a 'Threat'. She barely registered a pulse on the show and the few times she found herself on camera she was either saying nothing or everything, which either way ended up being a whole lot of nothing. One of the final episodes had her rambling on about not knowing what was going on, because no one had told her what to do. Her big appeal to the Jury during the final Tribal was that she 'tried', and some such nonesense about teaching people to try, or try harder, or be one with trying to try not to give up but try something, something else, blah, blah, blah, snore, blah. In fact that was her only appeal. And still, these idiots who wanted more 'Me Time' than eternity has to offer, almost gave Susie the win. Zero votes for Sugar (a surprise front runner who really battled and fought to position herself into the finals), three votes for Susie, and four votes for Bob. Had Susie won Survivor Gabon the ten plagues of the Apocalypse would have only been the beginning. The balance of the universe would have been so disturbed that Sean Penn would be happy and I would understand America's obsession with Nascar. Television would have become so out-of-control unbarable that Ugly Betty and According to Jim might seem like a good idea. Had Susie won Survivor Gabon I would have been upset. Not 'Gosh, poor Bob, that aggrevates me, and makes me want to reconsider the Big Picture' kind of upset, I mean real, heavy frown, punch-a-baby kind of upset (I would never punch a baby, but Susie winning $1,000,000 might make me want to scole at one, maybe even call it Not-Cute - that's like 'I curse your mustash' in baby-world, it's a big deal). But thank goodness none of this needed to go down, Susie lost, Bob won, tears, laughter, elephants, the odd African Tribal celebration, all is well, and Survivor Gabon is now locked is as a classic.

Susie: Yeah, yeah, 'that's a nice picture, what a sweet looking woman, good for her for making it as far as she did' right? Wrong?! This woman is queen of her own planet, and is totally out of here mind. Picture Tells a thousand words - this one tells all the wrong ones.

Bob vs Kenny: the Professional gamer that kept getting pissed off when Bob would foil his plans to turn on Bob. At one point Kenny asked Bob why he didn't give Kenny the Individual Immunity idol, Bob said 'Cause you were going to vote me out'.


















Thursday nights, 9pm, CBS. Watch it in High Def if possible, it makes the ugly uglier and the back-stabbing more back-stabby. The next round of chaos starts up in February. And in the end, lets face it, all that matters is that Probst is on the scene putting everyone in their place, telling it like it is, and flashing the odd dimple-drive smile. Watch Survivor, it's full of very... 'interesting' people (interesting, odd, strange, crazy, outrageous, bizzare, eccentric, what ever works). And if the show doesn't work for you, you're probably pretty 'interesting' yourself.

Jeff Probst: This guy is so good at hosting Survivor that a catergory at the Emmys was created so they could give him an award.

Checking in: the Dog House

The other day I was told a story, and it was a good one. As a human who breaths on occasion and holds enough of a pulse to read this, you will not be able to deny an emotional response. I've thought about the situation from a number of sides and without exposing my own thoughts on the matter yet I will say this: I wish I had been there, and I wish it was my own story.

Our story's Hero receives a call from his girlfriend who is out with the gals for the night. It's that call that comes when 'Girls Night Out' breaks the rules and 'No Guys' becomes 'A Guy'. At this point it's entirely possible for the 'A Guy' to become 'A few Guys' to become 'A Party', but that is not the case here, that story is for another time, this story needs A Guy and Four Girls in order to work. So he joins the girls at a local bar where drinks, and laughs, and tall tales are circling the table. At a certain point during the evening a sequence of events begins to unfold which inevitably brings us to the climactic punch line. Having twice heard the story myself, I realize that once this particular discussion began, there was no way of avoiding the controversial outcome.

Of the four girls, the one that is holding court is not not-chubby and is not not-frustrated about it. She gets lost in a rolling momentum of irritation as she vents to the table on her current lack of success with eHarmony.com. No one is giving her a chance, all they (the men who are most likely equally irritated with the 'relationship' site) are doing is committing to not-committing to anything beyond the profile picture. You can choose to take sides on that loaded topic right now, but at this point I'm not even going to get into the mis-adventures of the On-line Dating World, or the appropriate level of importance that the relationship predators should or should not invest in physical appearance. I'm not getting into it, because compared with what's to come, it's just not as Fun.

The not not-chubby one tears on and begins to rally the troops. The direction of conversation traffic seems to have the green light down the road of 'Man is evil', 'Girl Power', 'the World isn't Fair', 'Blah blahblah Blah blah...'. Our Hero interjects. To this point he had been casually observing, and enjoying, the mysterious behaviors of the four girls on Girls-Night-Out. Like watching the TV or attending the theatre or poorly playing a video game where you later realize the controller isn't even connected to the console and for the last half hour you've been aggressively watching the 'computer' play the game while you grip the controller, our Hero was not involved. As a side note, the 'playing a video game while not playing' scenario is legitimate, I know an actual person that did this, and if it wasn't for this current story, it would be the front and centre narrative. But it's not, so our Hero interjects...

"Maybe you should just lower your expectations..." he tosses out above the table, pausing for the girls to take it all in, "like I did..." BAM!!!! There it is. While surrounded by his girlfriends she-soldiers, and our Hero's little lady herself, he enjoys the momentary uncertainty while his audience digests what he's served up. And then the silence breaks apart into a cacophony of uncontrolled laughter. Smiles circle the table. Our Hero is funny. He has captured the approval of the jury. Even the not not-chubby one, with her Man-Hating one liners seems to have forgotten her repressed rage for the moment and is indulging in a good piece of happiness. But wait. As the laughter is picked up and thrown back and forth by the four girls, one girl stops the cackling, the chuckling, and the giggles, and decides it's not funny, he's not funny, nothing about any of it is even close to funny anymore. She decides that that comment is just down right mean. She is offended, and far from pleased with him.

Any thoughts on the matter? What if I told you it's three days later and our Hero has been spending his time in and around the Dog-House. Over-reaction by his special gal? Would it make a difference if I said that The comment was disguised in dry-comedy, delivered with only a touch of a smile? Are you a believer in the 'All Comedy is rooted in the truth'? It's all fun and games until someone decides it is neither fun nor a game, that it is in fact time for the silent treatment. And so our Hero is faced with the only option that is left for Dog-House residents; the apology. And man oh man, do not mess that up. You think the Dog-House is a tough place to live, toss out a half-hearted, sarcastic 'Saurrrryy', and life will get pretty interesting pretty fast.

Having told this story to a number of people, I've heard a variety of opinions from both sides of the dilemma. Girls that think the victim of this tale is being too sensitive (never tell someone this to their face, 'Don't Pass Go, Don't Collect $200, Go Straight to the Dog-House), guys that wouldn't dare drop that kind of bomb on their girlfriends for fear of a slap in the face and a text-message break-up, and everything in between. Oddly enough the person who first sent this story my way will regularly spicy up the conversation with his own little gems of this nature, and yet when I asked him about it he thought our Hero was over the line (he was also unaware of his joking tendencies though, and was shocked to hear me toss out a couple of examples of his edgy routine).

In my opinion, which of course is the opinion of a friend of a friend, twice removed from the affected individuals, participating only as a cog in the Tall-Tale-Machine of Story Telling, I know that it depends not only on the players (the hes and the shes), the rules (friend, family, acquaintance, arch-Nemesis), and the game itself (first-date, last-date, not-a-date, never-a-date), but also on the delivery, which is guaranteed to be fully loaded with everything from too-much-body-language, to the wrong-kind-of-tone, to an uneven-casting-of-shadows-across-ones-face, depending on who's on the receiving end. In my opinion if you can evaluate all these wild and crazy variables fast enough to still seem clever and witty... before unleashing something as creative as our Hero did... and manage to walk away a Sweetheart without ruffling any not not-chubby feathers... well then, you should be teaching a class. You are superhuman. Share your knowledge of these Dark Arts.

In my opinion if someone isn't disagreeing with you, then you're not trying hard enough.

In my opinion our Hero is a Hero. Well played my friend, well played.

Evolution of Pathogens... not on his watch.

The future of Sci-Fi Horror films... as long as the reality of these bio-killers don't take us out first. The world is scary:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/12/08/pip.zoonotics/index.html

First off, the doc following the hunters in this article, Dr. Nathan Wolfe, this guy has a great name. And I'm thinking that it maybe a name a little to edgy and epic for a 'researcher'. But then I find out he's not just another lab coat juggling test-tubes, this guy is the Jack Bauer of the 'viral chatter world'... sweet.













Second on the docket: the transmission of Monkeypox to the US. Who is importing African Rodents as pets?!?! Are you kidding me, it's bad enough that rodents are migrating from Africa to the Americas, but they don't even need to put together any sort of crazy Madagascar movie hair-brained plot to invade us, people are actually taking care to bringing them over (via leash?).

And finally 'Deadly Zoonotic Viruses lurking in the forest' does not sound good, not at all. Dr. Nathan Wolfe, protector of the innocent, Viral Superhero, the Mitch Rapp of the viral underground, is a new favorite of mine. Big fan right here...







Anyone who didn't already know: Yes, Science is this Cool!

The Grown-up World

Today as I sat at my desk, happy with the cold winter weather that swirled outside the warm and cozy office building where my comfortable little cubicle hides, I came across a clever parable that kindly poked fun at the North American Auto industry. I read through the parable with a smile. 'Parables are fun', I thought to myself, 'so is chatter about the silliness of the real world'.

The parable went a little like this:

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India . Sadly, The End.

Attached to the Parable were a few additional thoughts:

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads. IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.

Not too long after enjoying the tiny tale, I received a second bit of commentary on the Big Three and their on-going struggle to stay on the road. It hit me with blow after blow of crazy-talk; benefits through layoffs, unions and their black-magic, payouts to the unemployed, bounus for the managers who ran the companies into the ground, and on and on, until I was on the ground getting the 10-count.

Second bit of commentary went a little like this:

Any successful business must be able to respond to fluctuations in demand for its products, but the Big Three’s job-security agreements with its unions make that process burdensome and costly. Earlier this year, I visited a General Motors assembly plant in Moraine, Ohio, that is scheduled to close on December 23. The Moraine assembly plant made SUVs, and since demand for SUVs has fallen sharply, GM decided to shut down the Moraine plant. Of course, it’s not that simple. The workers at the Moraine plant belonged to IUE-CWA, an electrical workers’ union with contracts similar to those the UAW has negotiated. As a result of those agreements, IUE-CWA members in Moraine were offered buyouts of $70,000 to $140,000 for any worker who voluntarily quits. Other workers were made eligible for early retirement. GM employees who don’t opt for a buyout or early-retirement package will qualify for GM’s supplemental unemployment benefits, meaning that GM will make up the difference between their former wages and their state unemployment checks. When the unemployment checks run out, GM will pay these workers 95 percent of their former wages for up to two years, depending on seniority. Workers with at least ten years of seniority are eligible for the Job Opportunity Bank Security program. This is the notorious jobs bank that allows laid-off workers to receive their regular hourly pay while sitting around doing crossword puzzles or reading the paper. If GM offers these employees an opportunity to transfer to another plant, they have the right to turn down a limited number of such offers. And if no offer is made, they can stay in the jobs bank until they retire. GM currently has around 1,400 workers nationwide in the jobs bank.

When I came to I was flabbergasted (which is a state I rarely find myself in - surprised sure, shocked of course, at times even stunned, but flabbergasted... this was a treat, I let me thoughts run rampant).

Rampant thoughts went a little like this:

WHAT THE- !??!?!?! How is this an option. Your work is no longer required because the business you chose to go into is no longer in demand... it's a tough break, but that's your loss, NOT my loss. This is a ridiculous situation. These workers basically get to chose between three options, all of which result in them getting paid to do nothing. And where is all this money coming from that is paying these workers to do a whole lot of nothing for anywhere from a couple months to 'up to Forever'? My hard earned pay check. First the Big Bad corporation empties their pockets and then when this useless company that builds a garbage product for waaaaaaay too much money runs out of moola, the government is forced to bail them out because if they don't the League of Un-Extraordinary Gentlemorons will execute their Usurping of the Thrown and destroy the country from the inside out. If I'm looking at this right, and I like to think I am, this SNL skit of a scenario has to be true, because no one would buy into a fictional plot this absurd.

I replaced the grounded 10-count with a cool-down 10-count. At this point I was calmed by the reassurance that despite the mass movement by the loony-toons of the planet towards utter chaos, the world still seems to work. We are kept on course by the few, who are able to take what the crazies throw at them and make sense of it. I could hear Frank Costanza’s response to life’s frustrations... ‘Serenity Now!!!!’

True, Serenity Now... Insanity Later. I think one of the most shocking part this exploration that I wandered down is the lack of distinction between the decisions being made by 'experts' in the Grown-up world and those being toyed with by the 'explorer' on the playgrounds. Maybe I expected more of this world I'm entering into, maybe I am a glass-half-full kind of guy whose setting himself up for disappointment, maybe somethings are so ridiculous that you just have to Tom-Cruise-it-from-Risky-Business and say 'What the F...' with a big old smile on your face.

Later in the day an email dropped into my inbox at just the right time convincing me that as I first suspected, some of these things have to be taken in stride, digested, and put into perspective. The email spoke of a father’s passionate address to a graduating class which his son would have been apart of had he not lost the battle to a debilitating mental and physical disease. The details of the story weren’t as moving as the message of human kindness that had surrounded the boy’s life, as people offering inclusion to the boy were constantly gifted pure happiness in return.

It’s far too easy at times to get caught up in the reasons the world needs help, and ignore the small moments that make those problems a concern in the first place. It was a small part of my day today, but it was an important roller-coaster ride for me to get caught on as I try to figure out this new scene, this Grown-up World.