The Halloween

Ah Halloween... To be honest I miss being a kid when it comes to Halloween. I also miss being a kid when it comes to fist-fights over missed calls during marathon games of hide-and-go-sneak tag, and watching four and a half hours of Saturday morning Cartoons while sitting two feet from the TV, but there's something extra special about the connection between Halloween and being a kid. It's just not the same Holiday when you're a grown-up (and yes, I consider Halloween to be a major holiday). I miss the trick-or-treating extravaganza with a gang of friends, I miss drowning my house in black and orange decorations (aka making a huge mess), I miss all the themed events leading up to All Hallows Eve at school, and I miss the Candy. Oh wow, do I miss the Candy. I mean lets face it, where else are you going to find this kind of deal.

'Sooooo I have to agree to run around in a costume with a bunch of my pals, yell at random houses as I make my way down the street, and people will give me Candy? Lots of Candy? I don't even have to ask for it, all I have to do is give them the 'code'? I can commit to this idea. Let's do it!'

Now there's a good exercise for developing work ethic in children; higher effort and efficiency yields better results. I wanted the Candy, and I was willing to figure out how best to get it. At my trick-or-treating best, when I was in peak trick-or-treating form, I was developing detailed neighbourhood street plans in order to map out my route. I had everything timed out, I had alterations to my costumes to allow for speed, I was resting up prior to the event in order to improve my performance. I actually recruited people to my trick-or-treating gang based on their ability to endure hours of high energy Halloweening within a structured and rigid schedule. We were great. It was a good time to be a kid and a good time to love Candy. The night's success was easy to evaluate: Fun plus Candy equals Awesomeness. In a good year I had Halloween Candy holding me over until it was time to search for Easter Eggs. This is the Halloween I love, and this is the Halloween I miss.

The 3 Amigos... My Tyler Durdan Get-Up was a huge success. Fincher and Pitt would have been proud.

That was then, this is now. Times have changed. Most years my routine is to watch a Scary movie or two while giving out candy to newer, less awesome versions of my past-self. So I can't run from house to house anymore, doesn't mean Halloween is over for this guy. At this point all I can hang on to from the 'good old days' is the costume custom. (I am going to make a great Old-Person, at 24 I am already exaggerating my past and loving the 'how things used to be' stories). It's basically an excuse to play dress-up and act like what ever crazy character you've decided to become. That is my Halloween motivation; to play dress-up. So whether it's dishing out candy to miniature Spidermans, hanging out with friends who are all 'way too old to Love Halloween this much', or wandering through a crowded night club where 'Freak' is the norm, I will be in a costume and I will be loving it. I am will to say that if it wasn't so socially unacceptable (as in I would get institutionalized) I would be at my desk right now, with a light-saber at my side, one with my inner Obi-Wan. Times may have changed, but I am the same Candy-Hungry, Costume-Crazy, 20-something Hooligan, and I will always love The Halloween.















I'm not Drunk, I'm 'Pirate'. Basically I had the Hair for the Part... what choice did I have.

Where am I?!?!

I found this tall tale to be worth sharing because it excels in the three major categories needed to qualify as a "Story Full of Awesomeness":

1) I can relate.
2) I know it to be true.
3) I am still laughing about it.

There are of course other important categories that a story can touch on, like 'Unbelievable-ness' or the 'Get Out of Here!' trigger, the 'gross-out factor', the 'You Dog You...' quality, the 'Obvious Lie' approach, the '...AND the Guy Got the Girl' punch-line, 'Massive Irony', 'Clueless Stupidity', 'Unbearable Embarrassment', the 'Awwwwwwww' induced response, and of course the 'Hero' and the 'Villain' drivers. Now forget about all that. That's not what I'm talking about, because this story doesn't get into any of that (well maybe a bit of the 'Clueless Stupidity', and perhaps some of the 'Get Out of Here!' mixed with the 'Unbearable Embarrassment'). Either way, for now know this, the following is true. It involves real places, and real people, and real ridiculousness. For the sake of privacy, I have replaced the name of our Brave Narrator with 'Ronald'; partly because the name sounds noble and proper and should provide an amusing juxtaposition to the stories overall journey, but mostly because I think it's a fun name to say. Give it a try: "Ronald... RonAlllld'. Beauty.

Here is the email that I received the other day in all its glory:

October 8, 2008 2:40 AM

Greeting from Munich (or München as they call it here- I try to use those double dots every chance I get).

The tales I'm about to recount are the result of tossing a naive traveller into the bowels of Europe forcing him to learn on the fly, and mess up royally even more often. I can't promise to make you laugh, or cry, or any other type of human emotion, but I can say with certainty that at some point whilst reading this email you will say to yourself "Ronald, you dumb motherf**ker". Let me set the scene for you: I'm huddled on a desolate train platform in Poland clutching my backpack like a baby koala holds onto its mother at the top of a Eucalyptus tree, just hoping the next train will get me out of this mess. "But Ronald" you might ask, "you never told anyone you were going to Poland". I know this. I believe the best way to summarize the events that got me here is a list of lessons I learned that day:

-There is more than one Frankfurt in Germany; one is located centrally on the Rhine river while the other is very close to the Polish border.

-A person travelling on a very fast train in a foreign country should not sleep unless they are absolutely sure they are going in the right direction.

-My Eurorail pass is not valid in Poland.

-Getting reprimanded for not having a proper board pass is scary, getting reprimanded in Polish is even scarier.
-Getting kicked off of the train onto a platform where nobody speaks English makes you feel like a dumba$$.

Mistakes such as this lead to a very long day of travel...

So I ended up getting to Frankfurt at around 12:30 in the morning (the right one), but for awhile there I thought I was going to have to build a lean to and spoon my bag in the middle of nowhere.

Aside from occasionally getting lost (just like home...) I'm having an awesome time. Germany is an amazing place, and Oktoberfest is beyond anything you could ever imagine. It's insane. Oh yeah, and in Frankfurt some old dude (like really old, almost frail old) tried to put me in a headlock in the middle of a pub. Thank god for my cat like reflexes...

How's Calgary?

ps: You better start winning some floor hockey games- I'm a free agent at the end of the season and I'm entertaining some very tempting offers from Russia.

Ronald

This email was titled "Add Poland to my list of 'countries I've accidentally been to'..." Below is a map that emphasizes Ronald's Interesting approach to finding Frankfurt.


















I still laugh, but only because I know the joys of losing ones way in Europe. Just over a year ago when I was juggling maps and jumping from one train to another, my brother and I managed to take the 'unintentional scenic route' well over a dozen times. In fact if we found our hostel without passing it three to four times first, it was a disappointment... (check out a few of the 'Webb mis-adventures' in our Europa Blog)


Neil and John Punch Europe in the Face!:
http://eurowebb.blogspot.com/2007/07/paris-london-you-know-just-your-average.html

Rock Band Worries

The following is an exchange of emails littered with anxiety, desperation, and fear…


Wednesday, October 8th, 2008 – 9:13am

Hey Buddy. I have managed to get myself into a Rock Band Competition at work. I don't know how this happened. I was standing chatting with a couple of guys at our company’s General Meeting, and rock band came up (the company is participating in a United Way campaign, and the theme is Rock Band). I thought it would be appropriate to tell my '7 hour of Rock Band' story (I told you about this one right? Where I was on the drums all night, blistering up my hands and wearing down my arms – I don’t regret it for a second, the pain was worth it, and in no way am I embarrassed that I played Rock Band for 7 hours straight… on a Saturday night… with two other dudes… ). Well next thing I know, one of the guys I'm telling the story to has stopped some Random and casually said “Oh hey, here's a guy for your rock band group”. That guy talked to another guy who talked to some other guy who needed a guy but hadn’t be able to find a guy, and they all figured I could be that guy and should be that guy. Just say no right? Wrong, I’m That guy now. Anyway, this morning I was sent a list of songs. I'm playing guitar. Do you have any suggestions as to which might be easier for me to play on Medium. My ‘Band’ is going for the gold and basically told me to make it happen, ‘no pressure of course’, but yeah, make it happen. And when I say ‘easiest to play’, I mean ‘the song that will disguise the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m doing it in front of all my co-workers’. Oh right, and more importantly, can I come by your place on Monday next week to practice just a little. If we’re being honest, at this point, I am somewhat concerned.


Wednesday, October 8th, 2008 – 10:30am

Hey dude, that is quite the pickle you are in. Do you mean this coming Monday? Because I might have some bad news. To be 100% honest I think I'm going to be going on a hike during the day and then of course having a big Thanksgiving dinner, so probably no go there. As for the difficulty level of the songs you should be alright on Medium for any of those. Weezer is good, Garbage, Hole, one of my favourites is the Fallout Boy one. Hahaha, I cant believe they have an actual “band”…


Wednesday, October 8th, 2008 – 10:34am

I’m not panicking, just throwing out suggestions here: Would it be possible to borrow your PS3? I'm out of town until Sunday night, so Monday is really my only opportunity to make sure that I don't Suck on Tuesday. Because between 'Suck' and 'Not Suck', I'd prefer the latter. The 'Band' has decided to play ‘Garbage - I think I'm Paranoid’. And I am now playing Base. I was told not to worry ‘it’s much easier then Guitar’ – perfect easier then impossible, now I’m in great shape (a lot of sarcasm there, sarcasm with a strong hint of terror). We do get to dress up in costumes, which I'm sure I will excel at. I just don't want to go onto the stage cold (that's right, there is an actual stage).


Wednesday, October 8th, 2008 – 12:57pm

Yeah I guess we could swing that…. Is this some sort of competition? Like how is there a stage?


Wednesday, October 8th, 2008 – 1:02pm

It is definitely a Competition. People are taking this waaaaay to seriously. The pressure is on. They have the PS3 hooked up to a projection screen and it's all on an elevated platform (stage, a freakin stage, crap I need to stop thinking about this) in our main building’s atrium. There were hundreds of people watching on Day One (which was yesterday), hundreds!! Day two (which is when my band, 'Dude Where's My Band', is performing) is on Tuesday. You would be saving my Rock Band life if I could borrow your system on Monday. I would take very good care of her. I know how much that bad boy means to you. I think with some practice on Monday I'll be ready to destroy the competition (I am trying a new approach to this whole thing; forced confidence).


A series of phone calls were made. A pick up was scheduled. Several hours, one blister, and one Rock Star later the big day came. The following is a message sent out to all the Fans (I needed to update Mom and Dad)…


Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 – 1:27pm

Hey Team,

We came, we performed, and we were chased off the stage. The reality of the situation was that we failed out twice and never completed more then 30% of the song. The spin that we're putting on it is that the system did us in (Blame the Man!!!!). Both runs at Garbage's "I think I'm Paranoid" had our Vocal Lead failing out quickly, and we hadn't had the chance to bank any Star Power, so we couldn't save her. Look at this, I'm truly embracing my inner Rock Star as I start throwing band members under the 'tour bus'...

A few positive points:
1) I was quite awesome. I challenge the song with the Hard level, and for the minute or so that we played I was really on top of things.
2) It was a tone of fun. I was glad that I got up there, in front of the masses, and gave it a go.
3) Excellent stage presence. My costume really sold the persona, and I was movin to the groovin, tossing out cheers and getting the crowd going.

I only wish that we could have played for a bit longer. In the end I'd like to send a special thanks to my Rock Band coach and mentor, you know who you are, for giving me the opportunity to reach for the (rock) stars. Realistically I'm just glad it wasn't my fault that we Failed miserably...

John 'Bon Jovi' Webb


Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 – 2:01pm

That’s really good news. As long as it wasn’t you failing out then you did your part. Did the vocalist do it on hard as well?? Because hard difficulty for vocals are very very difficult and you have to be very accurate. But that’s sweet, I cant believe they put this on. How were the other “bands”. Hahahha and I appreciate the shout out, that’s usually all I ever ask for.


Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 – 2:24pm

I was definitely the most excited about our 30% completion Failing, my goal from the beginning was to 'not suck'... mission accomplished. It really was all about the Sunday-Monday practice sessions (and by 'practice' I mean 'study' – my brother and sister have midterms so I was approaching my big Rock Band debut like a test, they did not like this comparison). I think our Vocalist may have been on Hard. It was funny, cause she’s actually a fairly accomplished singer, and was really confident. She wasn’t very confident after getting destroyed by a video game, twice, in front of hundreds of people. In the end it was probably for the best that we burned out quickly, cause all the other bands were made up of full-time gamers, gamers with Mullet Wigs. Thanks again for lending me the PS3, you saved the day.

















I learned two things from my Rock Band Competition experience: I make a great rock star, as long as I don’t have to play a real instrument, and by the time you are performing for people, on a stage, in a costume, Rock Band is really just a small step up from ‘competitive air-guitar’… a line I will never cross.

Attack of the Killer Chihuahuas

Queue the Deep, Raspy Trailer-Guy Voice: "DiCaprio... Crowe... in a film by Ridley Scott..." Three heavy hitters with a gazzillion oscar nods, and I'm thinking to myself... 'How fast can I get to Beverly Hills Chihuahua?' Really!? COME ON!!!!! Action-Thriller full of deception, conspiracy, Good-Guys vs Bad-Guys vs Worse-Guys, ooooor talking dogs on the adventure of a life time (and I use the word 'dog' quite loosely - a Chihuahua can't decide if it wants to be an ugly cat or a bad impression of chinese food).

Who is seeing this movie? Parents are dragging their kids to the theatre and having to field 2 hours worth of questions about why funny looking rats that can talk are cracking lame one-liners and having far-fetched mis-adventures. Stop it!!! You are warping your children, and killing the Box Office numbers. You'd be better off letting 'Quarantine' baby-sit for the afternoon, at least then we wouldn't have toddlers running around quoting Drew Barrymore's version of Chole, the diamond-clad, bootie wearing Beverly Hills Rat-Dog-Flying Squirl Chihuahua (sure they'd be battling reaccuring Nightmares for the better part of a decade, but we must make sacrifices).

Two weeks in a Row!?!?! You're killing me! Now I'll have to try and explain to my future kids one day that 'Yes, I did live through the Chihuahua ordeal' and 'No, I don't know why classic action movies like 'Eagle Eye' and 'Body of Lies' were being destroyed at the Box Office by the talking rodent/farret things'.

I've tried. I've tried to picture myself asking for a ticket to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua, but I can't come up with a scenario where that would happen; "What if it was the only movie to survive a End-of-the-Film-World Apocalypse?" Not even close. I would rather close my eyes and try to picture the Body of Lies trailer (which incidently was a two minute preview that left me beyond confused and absolutely baffled... and I desparately wanted more - so what gives). But no, the people don't want Leo, Bad-Ass Russell Crowe, and Mr. "Gladiator/Black Hawk Down/Thelma and Louise", they want the Chihuahua.

With that said, I haven't seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and who knows it could be amazing... highly doubtful, but stranger things have happened... nothing comes to mind, but you never know. All I can hope for at this point is that Wahlberg's Max Payne will end the evil tirade of this mutant-mouse-donkey-cross, and order can restored to the Box Office Universe.

Max Payne Synopsis:

"Max Payne (Wahlberg) is a cop whose family and partner are brutally murdered. He embarks on a maverick path, venturing into the underworld to find those responsible for the murders. Payne finds that he faces both very powerful enemies and betrayal." - Sounds like the perpect perscription for 'Too Much Chihuahua'.



Proceed with Caution: I recommend watching no more then 40 seconds of this video... by the 1min mark you will want to punctur your ear drums, claw your eyes out, and Punch Babies. Your Call.

Guy Ritchie vs Madonna

RockNRolla comes out at the end of the month, and I bet Ritchie had to choose: Awesome London-Underground movies or Bitchy, stuck-up, A-Rod frequenting Madonnas... I choose Lock, Snatch, and two Revolver Rollas, but then again Madonna could probably crush me just by flexing her tricepts before dancing around by buised ego in a furry of scary
70s/80s/90s/forever Pop-Stardom...
tough call.


Wanna Sneak Peak at Life Sans-Madonna, Ritchie Style:


Thank you to EmpireOnline.com for the tour...