Hamburger Hitmen

McDonald’s, Wendy’s, KFC; do you know what they all have in common? A complete lack of commitment to their grassroots supporters. When did these Pioneers of Fast Food decide to adopt a new mission statement advertising indecision and weakness? Why was I not consulted when someone questioned these institutions’ fundamental values and direction? Who is sinking these ships and what is their end game? I am the target audience, I should not be forced to warm the bench and watch as these iconic establishments whore themselves out on the principle of a lie. You could blame advertising, or capitalism, or greed, or society, but I chose to blame the Whiners. If these Haters hadn’t meddled with what doesn’t concern them then I wouldn’t be faced with watching the downfall of a great American tradition – the Hamburger.

There was a time when Fast Food stood for something. A time when Hunger and Taste were satisfied without forfeiting one’s wallet or investing in evening long reservations. But for some reason creating harmony for those who wanted a big old burger, golden fries, and an ice cold soda, wasn’t good enough for the outsider; they wanted to crash the party.

For a long time these Enemies of the Burger have foolishly attacked with clubs and stones, denouncing the quality of this simple food, trying to trick us with lies and deceit. A waste of time - people are smart enough to decide if they like a Spicy Chicken or are a fan of Quarter Pounder without guidance from a bunch of Calorie Counters. If you don’t want to eat Fast Food then just don’t eat it. Forget about wandering around preaching Fat Contents or Nutritional Facts, while longing for a Big Mac. But it’s not these people that worry me, it’s the opposition that decided to forgo Nuclear and head straight for BioChemical. This is an enemy that has strategized and attacked from within using wit over muscle. And I am afraid that it is too late, that the damage has been done to the Burger Lover.

Proof of their progress is the Salad. It is now the unwritten law that every competitive Burger Joint must litter their menu with the Alternative. A Caesar Salad here, a Garden Classic there, covered in Balsamic, some Italian on the side, with Mandarin Slices, Almond shavings, grated cheddar, croutons… and don’t try to cover it up by talking about Grilled Chicken Fillet, or Mediterranean Vinaigrette, or Spicy Thai this and that, it’s a Salad, at my Burger House. And it doesn’t stop there. Why does the Burger King offer a Veggie Burger? And since when is a Fish Patty something that belongs at Wendy’s? Don’t get me wrong there is a time and place for all of this stuff, but why do Burgers and Fries have to sit in the penalty box in their own rink? You want a salad, why are you in McDonald’s? Interested in a wrap or sub, try the Pita Pit or freakin Subway. It’s not like there is a shortage of ways to get your hands on the Alternative. Two days ago I made myself a lovely Garden Salad with strawberry slices and barbecue chicken; thank you Safeway, I couldn’t have done it without you. Someone on the inside is diluting the Fast Food restaurant industry, slowing convincing everyone that when we chose A&W we really, really care about our good friend Calories. Give me a break! Who goes to HMV to buy a Best Selling Novel? We’ve got hardware stores, office supply outlets, furniture galleries, and they all focus on their ‘A’ Game. If I wanted to hit the cash register with new socks and a T-Bone steak then I’d be shopping at Wal-Mart, but if I want a 1/3 of a pound of beef, melted cheese, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, mustard, ketchup, and a lightly toasted bun, I don’t want a high and mighty Salad looking down on the crispy side of fries that I get with it. Variety? Please, I call bullshit. This is weakness. This is not a hero with history and rigid values, this is a slimy politician that is looking to buy votes where ever they can get them.

Not everyone has been distracted by the whiny cries of the Hamburger-Haters though; there are still a select few that fight the trend. This small resistance was the aim of my lunch hour pursuit. I drove passed the glossy ads, and the noisy deals, and avoided the many church-of-the-dying-burger themed hot spots until I found that hidden gem. ‘The Last Great Hamburger Stand’ was more than just a catchy phrase underlining the Fat Burger sign, it was a promise fulfilled. As I walked in the jukebox was rolling through the ‘50s and ‘60s, kicking out music that matched the atmosphere set by the framed records and dusty pictures of Elvis scattered in between the booths. Every song that came on battled the gentle dissonance that radiated from the open kitchen - a kitchen that was alive. The slow swirl of the ceiling fans were no match for the heat of the burger burners, leaving the restaurant slightly warmer than an A/C addict would like. I stepped up to the plate and swung at the first pitch.

My policy on a first time visit is to go with the restaurant’s front runner; Meal #1. Piled high with Mustard, Relish, Onions, Pickles, Tomato, Lettuce, and Mayo, the Fatburger was a 1/3 of a pound of grilled perfection. I gave the towering treasure Bacon and Cheese Add-Ons and stacked it up beside an order of Skinny Fries and a bottom-less fountain Cola. It was magic. While I waited for the Kitchen Confidential team to put together my All-Star Burger lineup, I couldn’t help but admire the rest of the menu. It was everything an appetite dreams up when times are tough and salads are present; ½ Pound Patties, Doubles and Triples, Grilled, Crispy, and Spicy Fat Chickens, Onion Rings, Wedge Fries, Milk Shakes, Root Beer Floats, Chilidogs, and Beer. This is wear hunger is happy. I watched it all come together with an ever growing smile. From the grill to my tray, the meal was put together with care, but with the edge of a diner hot box kitchen. There were no artists feathering together my lunch, only kitchen soldiers getting the job done right.

Order Up! Nothing but smiles as I took my first bite of the real deal; a Burger with Attitude. Flavor was the only thing I could think about as I tore into the Fatburger, and there was plenty of it. I didn’t need a TV show to keep me company, or a newspaper to occupy my time, I didn’t feel lonely eating by myself, or in need of any other clever distractions. The music, the booth, the old pictures of classic cars, they all drifted into my subconscious and acted as the perfect backdrop to this American Great. In its simplicity the Fatburger scene had accomplished what so many great burger joints could no longer do; fire me up for a return visit.

I left the jukebox and the ceiling fans with three points of understanding; one, I was ready to sample the shake and onion rings, two, I would require ‘Hound Dog’ and/or ‘Don’t Be Cruel’ with my next Burger, and three, there is still hope for the Hamburger – Fatburger is proof of that. Your move Veggie Villain.