Not only is their name clever, but the team has put together a strong collection of personality that sets them apart from the rest of the Calgary Men’s Hockey Association. The team is a brand. At the utterance of their title, a story is told. A story that all of the CMHA knows well.
These Maritimers have embraced their cultural solidarity in the same way the French have a history of dominating Les Canadiens’ locker room. In fact, these byes are so authentically recruited that as their opposition, it’s a rarity to understand what any of them are saying when on-ice chit-chattery is provoked. It’s like they speak a completely different language, and the language is coded in gibberish – a quality that is both fun and unreasonable.
They proudly fly their culture on their crest – a culture that may be primarily “pop”, but one that is so rooted in Eastern Canadian ways that no explanation is needed. A caricature of one Mike Smith dons old-school gear, creating a logo that blends the grit of hockey with the character and personality of the coke-bottle specs that his most treasured creation has made famous. Arguably one of the best Men’s Hockey symbols in the history of Hockey and Men, Da Byes are lead by the heart of the Trailer Park, Bubbles.
Da beauty o Da Byes’ uni’s don’t stop there. Bubbles shows up again on the shoulders of the loomingly black jerseys, but this time as a 2D player cut out, pulled off the rod of a classic table hockey game – it’s a spectacular touch demonstrating detail that just scratches the surface of the groups deep commitment to the team.
But the squad is more than just surface level flare and Trailer Park Boy references, da team’s got skills. A common theme in Men’s Hockey is a thin bench, but Da Byes are an enthusiastic army of players that seems to push max capacity every game. The bench is overflowing with Bubbles jerseys. And it works. They roll through, line after line, cutting up the ice at full tilt, aggressively wearing down other teams until it seems like goals are inevitable. Every year they finish 1 or 2, and from there, the post season is just more of the same.
So why is this impressive? Why hoist this team so confidently to the top of the list of noteworthy clubs?
It’s a good question. Are they any different from that team breaking the hearts of all other hockey hopefuls in almost every Men’s League out there? It’s not unfathomable that one could round up a cluster of Maritimers, or that a team should Johnny-Cash-it with black uniforms, or recruit Bubbles, or communicate via jibber-jabber. And although the fact that dees byes have created a dynasty-style series of season victories may hint at the extraordinary, this combination of characteristics is not what brands Da Byes with this special aura of awesome. What really makes The Boys impressive?
Da Byes are DouchBags.
All of them. Zero exception. This is what makes them awesome. And by ‘awesome’ I mean DouchBag. And by ‘make’ I mean DouchBag, and by ‘them’ I mean DouchBag. In fact, all that talk of ‘unique’, yeah, I meant DouchBag. ‘Clever’, ‘victorious’, ‘authentic’, all fun ways of saying det dees byes eer rr beeg DouchBags. And of course by ‘DouchBag’ I mean ‘@ssHat $%#k-fai_y Nob-Gob&!*?g B*%-P!rat3 *r3am-garg%^ers with a tendency towards the &easte@li^y of mentally delayed animals’. Naturally this is only my opinion. And although it may seem mildly over the top and a wee bit hostile, it is my opinion that my opinion is the opinion shared by most. And from that perspective, I assure you, I’m just scratching the surface of the revulsion that the world views Da Byes with.
Don’t get me wrong, Bubbles is great, and I have nothing against the Maritimes, their people, or that beautifully confusing parlance. I do however have something, correction, everything against this particular group of Maritimers. I hate them. And yet, despite the hate, they are my favourite member of the CMHA’s family. Yes they are giving Easterners everywhere a bad name, and true Da Byes have taken a priceless mascot in Bubbles and wasted all his ambiance, but their commitment to douchbaggery, in every aspect of life and the game of hockey, is truly worth celebrating.
Da Byes whine too much, fall too hard, lose too loud. They cry to the refs, always, fight like footballer Italianos, joust like a Ogie Oglethorpe, and act like none of this is true. They also try too hard and win too much, both in the worst way possible. Although this last pair may seem like a separate quality of douchbaggery, they are the two aspects that drive to the crux of the inner Bye, revealing their true evil. I shall elaborate. At the end of the day, the fact that they are not only good-flirting-with-great, but also use every opportunity to take things just a little too far, makes them that much harder to deal with. Combine this constant stressor with the classless winning, their extravagant persuasion of the Academy, and the behind the play little extras which they so willingly offer up, and it becomes that much more appealing to to like to hate them. Therefore, with each dive, each slash, each win they skate further away from the original theme, further away from the idea of a good old group of boys playing some puck, and slowly, they become, Da Byes. I say, let the loathing deepen.
Hypothetical: You are a Men’s Hockey League team, now, is it wrong to hold try-outs, scout oppositions, wear team track suits (to real world events), and have pre pre-game warm ups? Yes, very much yes. But, does this really justify hating a team? Yes, in fact it really does. Professional sports clubs treat their hockey team like an athletic twist on a Business-Empire/Special-Ops Military hybrid of structure, discipline, and insanity. And I’m all for it, it’s their job to dominate, so I say get serious about winning. Should Men’s League teams not do the same? Should they not take it to the same extreme? Nop. But what about Da Byes, shouldn’t they get all Special-Ops crazy? No, all kinds of No. Da Byes are not professionals. Da Byes are not going to the Show. Da Byes are not going to get scouted, draw a crowd, or push any merchandise. They don’t need to spy on other teams, have post game punishment workouts, or call a meeting with the league commissionaire every time someone scores a goal on them. Da Byes are a rec hockey team full of anger and fueled by fear. They play by their own rules, they are full time enemies with Fun, they are the evil of Men’s Hockey. If this was Tarantino’s world, the Basterds would be hunting down Da Byes, slowly and ruthlessly, Bear Jew style. But it’s not, and they’re not, therefore Da Byes go unchecked. That is until recently.
What’s the best way to deal with Da Byes and their kind, minus unleashing the Bear Jew on them? Let Da Byes loose on Da Byes. And how does one tip the scale from order and discipline towards chaos and insanity? By beating them, twice, in as many weeks. When all that seems to matter is the W, it’s interesting to see how a couple of big old L’s tend to really shake up a situation like Bubbles & Co. It was a beautiful thing; like watching a father’s eyes swell with tears as his new born reaches up and grab his pinky finger; like seeing a daughter, as a woman, in a wedding dress on her most special of days; like feeling the triumph of an Olympian’s lifelong dream turn gold when none thought it possible. It was beautiful like life itself, but it was also beautiful like Revenge (queue the evil Muhuhahahahaaaaaa cackle).
The ESPN/HBO 30-for-30 magic moment occurred with two minutes left in the game when the statement “Wanna see 20 grown men cry? Score this shift and they’ll all fall apart” was followed by the death-blow; said goal, and said tears. Did I chuckle quietly to myself when the bickering on Da Byes bench spilled over the top and the DouchBags started yelling at and shoving each other? I did, I felt it was my duty to enjoy their melt down, seeing as I had personally caused it.
I’ve played a lot of hockey, known many a rivalry, and enjoyed several big goals, but to know that thanks to my efforts, Da Byes are not only miserable, have not only cut players from their line-up, but are scheduling late-night team meetings, as we speak, to figure out what went wrong… it puts a big smug smile all over my face. I am Jack’s satisfying dénouement.
Now the fun begins. The Take-2 on Beating Da Byes was just the first step in a much bigger commitment to crushing dreams. Having single handily sent Bubbles & Co. into the post-season carrying a losing streak, our crew is looking forward to participating in this Shakespearean style down fall. As of this moment, Da Byes have squandered their round-1 bye with a loss to a 4th seeded team full of average, placing them poetically on track to receive their elimination defeat from our troop of merciless Basterds. I’m not one to harp on fate or destiny, but I know how Tarantino would write it. And in case you’re still not sold on who to root for; my team, the one that’s going to hunt down Da Byes, the one that’s going to calmly and carefully allow them to self destruct, the one that’s going to finally send them into a long and painful off season of self-loathing, introspection, and big babiness, Bear Jew style, my team, is the Bears... I’ll let you decide what’s going to happen.
Fun Fact: It was my suggestion that we change our team name from the Southern Alberta Bears to Da Bears, accomplishing both a declaration of competition to Da Byes and giving us the opportunity to sport our own classic cultural reference on the crest of our jersey. My idea was veto'd. My team is stupid. I'm over it.
I still think electing Chris Farley as our leader is a great idea. Farley on the front, SNL quotes a plenty, what more could a team want? Perhaps a team chant: Daaaaaaaaa Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears...
