You've been, Strategified

Strategy. So it breaks down like this: it’s legal to create it, it’s legal to implement it, and if you’re the member of a hockey pool, it’s legal to argue it. It’s legal to change it, which doesn’t really matter ‘cause – get a load of this – if you win the Pool it’s illegal for them to question it. Questioning your Strategy is a right the NHL Poolies don’t have.

The post-season Pool I’m swimming around in is a warm soupy mess of mind games. The rules lull you into a peaceful and happy place where you ‘simply pick the winners’ and giggle at the flare and pizzazz conjured up by a clever little point-scoring scheme; on the surface the waters are calm.

Queue the behind the scenes coverage of my final round battle with the bracket. I’m in contention, but with only one series remaining I need to somehow pick the winner, pick a different team than the leader, and figure out a way to make both those question-marks coincide…

the Mind Map:
I want Chicago to win, and think that Chicago will win, but for the pool that doesn’t matter. If I have any hope of moving forward I need to pick for points, and pick away from the pack. So based on the assumption that the favoured team is Chicago, and that most people will think Chicago, I am going with Philadelphia... However, I am somewhat worried that everyone else is thinking the same thing, that this plan of mine isn’t so wily, and that I could ‘pick away’ from a group that’s picking away from themselves. I also realize that although no one in their right mind would consider Phili a Cup Contender, ‘right mind’ checked out of the game back when the Eastern Conference Finals cast seed 7 vs seed 8 in the starring roles. I need to pick opposite what I think everyone else thinks everyone else might pick. I’m pretty sure that instead of making the pull-move that everyone is anticipating, I don’t need to make the move at all, I just need to skate around everyone. I need Chicago. I’m going with Chicago to win the Stanley Cup.

Craziness accomplished. I submit my pick with crossed fingers and a few muttered regrets. A couple deep breaths later I gave my head a shake and realized that there was no way that anyone else was plugging that kind of brain power into this glorified guess. What was I thinking?! I’m not in a starring contest with Pierre McGuire here, I’m trying to outsmart an office full of EngiNerd Boys who can’t pronounce Toews. Chicago? Erroneous! Quit thinking Jack, all it does is get you into trouble.

Ten minutes later the official predictions were send out. Everyone picked Phili. Unbelievable! John Nash and I are laughing it up right now with the Goldblum and his Jurassic Park dinos – Game Theory versus the Butterflies, god the playoffs are a blast!

So we're back to the surface level fun:

- Chicago wins, I win, the world embrases my genius, and I let the tale get taller as I tell the story for years and years and years...

- Philadelphia wins, we never speak of this nonesense again, the blog post randomly disappears, and if the truth of my pick resurfaces, I kill the messanger, or I pretend I thought we were picking the loser...

Strategy. The key is to ignore your heart and listen to your big brain... then overthink it, then become your hearts biatch, then throw out all logic, then count to 10... then second guess your gut, hate yourself when you wake up at square-one, go back to the big brain, ignore it, question your heart, flip a coin, take a nap... then look at a blank piece of paper, turn it over, circle some things and scribble some arrows, pace like a lunatic, tell no one, then go back to your first decision, and pick the opposite... or something like that. If it works, tell everyone, if it doesn't, just say you didn't try, wink, and let a smile creep up one side of your face - people will just be confused and forget the whole thing.

Go Hawks, Own your crazy, and Good luck your your next big decision. Unleash your Strategification!

the Daily Safety Thought

So, at work we get these Daily Safety Thoughts. I like them. It’s a short email that wanders into my inbox every morning, quietly waiting for a moment when I can sneak away from the chaos of the ant farm and steal myself some know-how. The pocket-sized message covers a whole variety of subjects that touch on all aspects of life, leaving no hobby unexamined and no routine without analysis. The Safety Thought is a single serving of quick-and-easy that tricks me into passively investing into the Hi-Jacked! Bank O’ Knowledge; in striving to become a true Wisdom Warrior I’m a sucker for the Tid-Bit. Since this daily package of info doesn’t require hours of digging, or anything more than a single click of the mouse for that matter, it’s easy to mistaken what’s happening for ‘Fun’; when really it’s very much Fun’s estranged, pouty step-bro, Learning, trying to sneak into the party dressed like the cool kids - and the little guy's pulling it off. The Daily Safety Thought, best thing since sliced work-week (let the 3-day weekend revolution begin). Slowly but surely I am expanding my library’s selection of fun facts.

That’s not to say that I crack open the email and just let the sneaky b@sTerd set up shop in my mind without a little hey-how-are-ya first. I expect a working visa, some credentials, a reason to believe the message is more than just some sort of clever word pay – I expect quality. So when today’s Thought strolled into my inbox with its flashy swagger and its user-friendly buzz words, I called in the canines…

Is Television Bad For Your Health?

My daughter has a specific ailment with symptoms of hearing loss, inattention, and loss of mobility. You can talk to hear but when she has this condition, it’s like she isn’t really there. The good news is that it seems to occur during a specific activity. Watching her favorite television show.

Your mom may have been right about the dangers of television. In a recent publication provided by WorkCare, a study of over 8,800 adults found an 18 percent increase in the risk of heart disease for every hour of television watched per day. Study participants met the following criteria:

• Both healthy and unhealthy weight
• Exercised at least 30-45 minutes per day
• Had no history of heart disease

MESSAGE: Too much sitting is bad for your health. In addition to exercising regularly and eating healthy, avoid sitting for long periods of time.


So if I’m reading this right, and I like to think that I am, we have two options, ‘don’t watch TV and live’ or ‘Diiiiiiiiiiiiiie!’. Hmmm, well when you put it that way, I guess I better police-tap my TV room and trade Showtime for Booktime… REALLY?! TV kills? Is that the neatly wrapped gift of goodness that you’re selling? Come on. This game doesn’t work anymore, you can’t just hate on television because nobody likes you. Wake up and smell the cooking channel; La Restaurant de Télé is now serving 5-star delicacies from its made-to-measure menu. This has nothing to do with television and everything to do with you not having any friends.

First off, leave your daughter alone. She’s effing watching her favourite show! She doesn’t put herself between you and you’re needle-point during a mad creative outburst, so why are you nagging and trying to wreck her world during her special time. Just wait for a commercial, and then you can do all the interrupting you want with your Me-Me-Me episodes.

Second, are you actually sending me these lies while I sit, with my body slowly solidifying, at my desk? Really?! Really Safety Thought?! How about making things interesting, how about you call out the 9-to-5 virus that’s eating away at my situation. I am totally on board with Mobility. I’m not surprised that sitting for ridiculously long periods of time would cause our bodies to rebel. We weren’t built to statue-up, day after day, leaving us wondering why we need an elevator to avoid stairs and a limp to help us walk. But seriously, this is the platform that you’ve built to band-stand from, ‘TV is Bad’? I can only imagine what you would say if you knew that I had a TV in my bedroom, where I sleep, for extended periods of time. I wonder if too much lying down also increases heart disease?

Which brings me to point number three. You can’t just claim crazy things like ’18 percent increase in risk of heart disease for every hour of television watched per day’, regardless of your physical health, and not delve a little deeper. Is it specifically sitting while in front of colour projection, or am I at risk if I consider the Showtime-Booktime trade? Can I use this study as an excuse to never again have to sit through one of those long Uni lectures that have tried to suck my soul dry of its life essence? What if I hamster-it-up on a treadmill and chase down my TV show at a comfortable jog (that’s with a soft ‘j’)? What if I steal a TV, and instead of ride in the getaway I use the flatscreen as a sail and I hoof-it a la Trainspotting? What then Safety Topic, what then?

Too much? Did I go overboard on this one? I know it’s just my little friend the Daily Safety Topic, but I can’t help it, it’s Friday, I’m all hyped up and jazzed for the weekend. Plus I have no patience for that worn out ‘TV is the Devil’ argument anymore, even Ned Flanders grabs his gospel from the Tube these days. I will say this, Mobility is key. And whether it’s rolling as a desk jockey or potatoing on your couch (via TV, romance novel, gaming session, deep dedicated Zen), you need to get your move-and-groove on sooner than later.




I will also say this, the lesson to learn from this little exposé is do not mess with a Favourite TV Show. Unless I can hit the two-bars and pause the screen gems, I’m going to go with the Hi-Jacked!-is-out-of-order idea and set up the “ignore the Charlie-Brown drowning voice” autopilot nod. And that's my calm and happy approach to the Nag, we can always do things the hard ways. As you know I take my TV seriously...

and that is your Daily Safety Thought from Hi-Jacked!


for more on Mobility check out Mark's Daily Apple:
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/?s=Joint+Mobility

Entourage Update: Audition Debrief

I’m still not entirely sure how it all happened, but the audition went really well. I was a good mix of Energized-Excitement and Nervous-Wreck, but I had no expectations of finding Greatness today. I actually had to gather myself before driving away from the casting, playing back the string of events to make sure it had all actually happened. Turns out, it did.

By the end of the first of two run-thrus I was a big mess of a crying baby… and that’s a good thing, the scene called for it. Rhonda (the casting agent and Queen of the audition auditorium) saw the raw emotion, let a little anticipation slip, and got the camera guy to quickly set up for another take. She told me to try the scene again while in this new head-space (aka all-crying-and-whatnot). The second reading was great. It was complex and driven. I fought to keep the emotion down while working through the scene, and then, between bouts of frustrated energy, I let the guilt and sadness and disappointment bubble back up to the surface. I could see the effect change Rhonda as she read for me, and that continued to pull me deeper into the exchange. By the end of the scene, when there was nothing left to hide behind, I had created a strong character that was totally broken and exhausted. The conflict within me was huge, and it made the ‘acting’ very natural.

Rhonda seemed to really love it. Having gone out and auditioned for her before, I know that she is not in the habit of performing much beyond the audition scene. So her reaction was the real deal. At this point I don’t even care if I get the part. Not only am I excited about having risen to the occasion, proving to myself that I can play the Game, but Rhonda does a lot of castings and auditions and having performed well for her will go a long way to making sure it’s not my last appearance in the casting room. Plus, wow, it feels gooooooood to create like that. It’s amazing that ‘make believe’ can make you feel so alive.

So it’s been another great Thursday so far. Who doesn’t like a lunch hour roller coaster ride from cubicle to water-works to cubicle again? The best part was that I actually Clark-Kent'd-it in the truck, spinning in and out of the EngiNerd costume, hiding my ‘by-day’ from my ‘by-night’. And the fun has just begun; plenty more of the engineering world left before I Fred Flintstone out of the 9-to-5, catch some NHL do-or-die, hit the soccer pitch, and prep for tomorrow’s introduction to the long weekend. I feel like the only thing I’m missing is a George Costanza sous-desk siesta, then again, the afternoon is still young.

As for the ways and workings of the performance, well, the key to any big scene is

Mele Kalikimaka

I've been embarrassed before. I've felt the boiling presence of humiliation flood my face. I've wanted to do magic to disappear, to erase memories, to turn back time (immediately being embarrassed about wanting to 'do magic'). I've intercepted a wave that wasn't mine to have. I’ve been worried about how to conceal an explosive sneeze only to have a fart slip out. I’ve started up a personal conversation and become gooey and vulnerable with a friend, then discovered that it wasn't him, it was his twin brother who I'd never met nor knew existed. I've found embarrassment in odd and wonderful places, places that don't expect the level of awkwardness I've managed to create. I've said stuff I've regretted, and regret stuff that I've done, and done stuff I don't want to say. I watched a season of the Hills, I own and still wear an Engineering T-shirt, I cried once, really hard, sobs and whatnot, when a girl made fun of my hair, my glasses are the same ones that Dwight Shrute and most pedophile-rapists hide behind, I once fell asleep at work during a one-on-one meeting, only a few months ago I spit beer all over my girlfriend's family at a wedding hours after meeting them for the first time, I got caught by a co-worker trying to practice holding my breath while alone in my cubicle, I've lied and got caught, stolen and got caught, cheated and got caught, one time I tried to kiss a girl and she faded back and laughed at me... and yet none of this compares to what happened on Monday, April 26th, 2010: Four days before the month of May, I took down the Christmas Lights.

We're not talking a string or two of white LEDs artfully highlighting a small tree. Or a few x-mas leftovers, hidden and out of the way. We're talking a Clark Griswold House-Constellation. Hundreds and hundreds of lights spread across the entire property like an infection enjoying a holiday outbreak. 28 Days Later wouldn’t be a problem, no, not that kind of tame little epidemic, this was its bad@ss sequel of an outbreak, 28 WEEKS later.

Why did I have to be so flashy in December? You can't ignore this kind of Pizzazz. I turned our modest little lot into a Whooville-style Grinch bullz-eye - all the hip new LEDs, the sparkling mini incandescents, the old school C7s and C9s, those heavy duty curtains, and the dancing icicles. Stupid icicle lights - the things are like Fisher Price ivy, tangling themselves up all over the house and ruining my world. But it didn't stop there, I went all la-dee-da with spot lights, and ribbons, and wreaths, and garlands galore. Sure, sure, this is all great in December, maybe even the first stretch of January. But this is when it’s okay to ‘spread the cheer’, when you’re allowed to be 'in the spirit', when people use the word ‘Jolly’ and smile and everything. But come April, there’s no smiling. You can’t talk about “Chestnuts roasting by the Open Fire…” or “Jack Frost nipping at your nose…”, because you will get effing knocked out. No one actually likes chestnuts, or Jack Frost for that matter (he is a big douche bag, unless it’s exactly December 24th and pretty little snowflakes are colouring the scene, then he’s an average douche bag). Have you ever listened to a Christmas Carol during the off-season? Worst songs ever! But that’s not the point, the point is that the last thing people want when it’s not Christmas is to be reminded that it’s not Christmas. So basically lights up in April is an act of war. It’s part of the rules of suburban engagement; if it’s Spring and you have a neighbor flashing the Red-and-Green, you can open up fire, like Scroog, Pre-Ghost-of-Christmas-Past style.

At this point, the point when you realize that birds are nesting on your oversized Santa figurine, since all the good ‘dog-at-my-homework’ style excuses are months passed their expiry date, what remains are the bad lies and the self-deprecation and the Truth. In response to the question ‘Why in the Eff is your house covered in Christmas?!’, you can select any of the following that apply (minimum of one must be selected, because remember, it is April, you still have lights up, you are not normal). You are:

- Lazy
- Not Living There
- Not Living at All
- A Red Neck
- Spreading Cheer Year-Round (aka Lazy AND a Jack@ss)
- Physically Disabled
- Afraid of Heights
- Afraid of the Outside World (aka Nerd / EngiNerd / Lost Cause)
- Afraid of Everything
- Allergic to Air, the Sun, or Responsibility (aka a Liar)
- Efficient with Your Christmas Set-up Energy (aka Lazy, but Witty)
- Had to Return some Videotapes (you are Patrick Bateman, you have bigger problems that Christmas Lights)
- Superhero (kinda busy)
- Building an Iron Man suite (kinda a Superhero)
- Still Building the IKEA Entertainment Unit you got for Christmas (kinda an Idiot – only ‘kinda’ though, because those IKEA Swedish Meatball are ‘kinda an Idiot’ too)
- A Crazy Person
- Not a Person

I was the very worst of these options: Lazy. You might think Red Neck or Crazy Person or maybe Dead would have been considered the 'worst' option, and yeah , they're up there, but out of all the other reasons why one might still have Christmas lights crawling all over their situation deep into Spring, Lazy is the only option that isn't a forced scenario or a conscious choice. Lazy is a Disaster. The Red Neck knows what's going on, Afraid-of-Heights is a big baby, climbing up on the roof to tangle up some strings isn't a high priority for someone who can’t walk, Mr. Efficient is getting creative, Mademoiselle Spreading-the-Cheer is delusional, Iron-Man-Suit guy is trying to save the world, Patrick Bateman has a full To-Do list, even the IKEA SuperFan has decided to devote his or her or it’s life to a Cause (defeating the Swedish Meatball). ‘Lazy’ just simply took 4 months to get around to it. ‘Lazy’ couldn’t even come up with a legitimate excuse like the ‘Allergic to Air’ Nerd. ‘Lazy’ is a complete and total Disaster.

So, back to the embarrassment. I walk outside, hiding behind sunglasses and a ball cap like I’m a celebrity ducking fame, and I start fighting with the first string. The freakin tree has grown leaves that have swallowed up all the lights, making the task tougher than taking candy from a baby, or from a fat person, or from me (have you actually ever tried to take candy from a baby, it’s not easy, forget the cliché, babies love candy and if they’re teething, they also love biting hands). It looks like I’m fishing and reenacting the Old Man and the Sea, but the sea is a tree and the old man is me and forget Hemingway’s heroic cause this humiliation’s free. Next thing you know people are opening their front doors, dogs are barking, cars are slow rolling passed the crazy guy who’s lassoed a tree, and I am fully aware of the attention. But whatever, who cares what people think right? Wrong! I am one of those people. I am one of those guys who sees something ridiculous and I lock-in to enjoy it. I don’t judge, because at that point you don’t need to judge, the judging is the answer to the rhetorical question, you just need to sit back and soak in the absurdity. I love watching stupidity unfold, and it’s a one way street, so I don’t want to be involved in creating it.

An hour and a half passes. That is an absurd amount of time to spend packing up Christmas, in APRIL!!! No one has said a word to me. Not a dog-walker, a mailman, a strolling couple, or a bike-riding child would even dare hold eye contact. There were a couple neighbors who pulled up and gave a wave as they headed inside, but they shut down the Mr. Rogers act and gave a smell-the-farts look as they tried to figure out the Christmas decorations.

By the time I had called it quits I looked like the wrong end of a chuteless sky-diving expedition. Those cute little tree branches had sliced up my arms, the treasures of a full eaves trough covered my clothes, I was sweaty, dirty, and exhausted. I stumbled into the house and my brother Kramer'd around the corner.

“Dude, where were you? You’ve been gone for like- Jesus, you look terrible…”

I tell him about as much of the story as you now know. He then does three things: Laughs, tells me he hates taking down Christmas lights and would never spend that much time doing it, turns around and walks away. The guy lives in the same house as me!

I’ve decided that this is a pattern that is quite common in my life. Going to work, spending money, staying up until 3am, eating a full bag of popcorn, going for long, exhausting, devastating runs, and putting up millions and millions of Christmas lights; the consequences are enough to scare me straight, but the shock of it fades in time for me to make the mistake all over again. Live and don’t learn. Most of the time I even go so far as to Swear that I will never do it again. I have a feeling that the only thing that will change next year is that I probably won’t blog about it, because one time is silly and kind of fun, but two time is just sad.



Alright, so are you ready for the embarrassing part? I didn’t finish. There are still Christmas lights hanging in our back yard. It is now the middle of May and we are still celebrating December 25th, 2009 at Hi-Jacked! Headquarters. I’m out of things to say. There’s no explanation that makes this anything other than what it is, an embarrassment. I guess on the plus side, at least I know that I’m a Disaster, and accepting that you have (or in this case Are) a problem is half the battle. So Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy May Long.

Now, with all that said, let’s say, just for arguments sake, that I was a Superhero, 'Lazy' would probably be my go-to cover up…

Life has Rules

I have very few Life Rules. I have a Blueprint built on values and nature-vs-nurture, coloured with personality, fueled by a joie de vie. But it has been rev’d up with Experience. Most of my game plan is a fluid set of guidelines that act as a safety net after I’ve been spring-boarded into battle; I like calling audibles, it keeps things interesting. However, there is a time and place for structure, for familiarity, a time and place for an unwavering certainty. There can be a comfort in knowing the answer before the question is asked, but sometimes it’s more than facilitating preparation, sometimes it is about the need to respect Right vs Wrong. Sometimes it is about the need to respect Greatness. Sometimes it is about the need to respect the Post-Season.

“Spring is Off Limits!”

The key to a good Life Rule is simplicity, simplicity and proper punctuation. No sense in making things confusing, keep it simple: Spring is Off Limits! Spring is off limits to everything, always. Don’t sign up for a team, don’t register in a class, don’t book a trip, don’t schedule anything. It’s only going to get in the way, because Spring is Playoff Season. Playoffs Baby, Playofffffffffffffs!

You know that saying “It must be too good to be true”? Yeah, that doesn’t apply here. When it comes to the ‘mid-April to June’ chunk of calendar it is both Too Good and True. December has Christmas, Fall has football, Summer has the heat, but only Spring has both the best of the best in B-Ball and Puck. It’s the flash of the Court and the speed on the Ice, it’s highflying and sacrificing, it’s defense, it’s offense, it’s heart and soul, it’s blood, sweat, tears, and fears, upsets, blow-outs, underdogs, dynasties, it’s ‘the unbelievable’ meets ‘the unattainable’, it’s pure beauty, it’s villains vs heroes, it’s highlights, it’s history, and it’s happening every night. It’s too good to be true, but it’s happening every night.

The NBA vs the NHL, and the winner is… the Fan. You don’t even have to like sports to get into this stuff, you just have to like Life. Halak beats Washington, Magic sweep 2 straight teams, Devils are upset in 5, the Champion Pens get taken to game 7, Celtic Pride tip off against King James in round 2, and that’s the surface. It’s only been three and a half weeks and the storylines continue to take off. And none of it gets old either. In the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs not a single series went 4-and-out. There were 5 game-6 decisions, 2 game-7s, and a lone ‘Blow Out’ that had number 7 Phili upset number 2 Jersey. The second round has been more of the same, with the only set of teams to not need at least six games to decide things, battling it out in the closest 4-1 series you could put together. The NHL has been nothing short of perfect competition, with the tournament sorting itself out to create better and better match ups. On the other side of freezing, the NBA has run the gauntlet on potential outcomes, yielding every possible scenario in the opening round; there were a couple of upsets, a couple of marathon showdowns, some pure domination, an injury or two. And then in total contrast to the tight work of hockey’s second round, the NBA’s conference semi-finals had 3 of 4 series blown wide open in 4 game eliminations. Just when you think you might have a feel for how this Post-Season stuff work, Orlando crushes Atlanta by a series total of more than 100 point over the course of 16 quarters of basketball.

Despite the ‘Anything can Happen’ attitude of these two leagues, I can guarantee one thing; Amazing has just begun. So figure out your picture-in-picture, warm-up that PVR, get yourself home early from work, and don’t be afraid to forget your team and just cheer for Sport, cause it doesn’t get much better than Spring in front of your TV.

I have very few Life Rules, but “Spring is Off Limits!” is not one I mess around with. Love Life, Watch some Playoffs!

No Cracks in the Suit for Iron Man 2

Saw Iron Man 2, loved it! It’s a great sequel, a great comic flick, a proper action movie, and a very cool Chapter 2 of 3. Robert Downey is on his game. He has plenty of that lovable tomfoolery left over from the first installment, but then there’s also a subtle element of darkness that he tries to drown at the bottom of his Tony-Stark-style cocktail of confidence and narcissism.

Meanwhile, Pretty Boy Rourke is calm, cool, and crazy. His presence is exactly the kind that is needed to create chaos in the perfect post-victory world of Iron Man Un. There’s a volatile uncertainty surrounding him that jabs you full of suspense.

This movie could have OD’d on After-Origin Greed like so many of the self-destructive money making machines that have tried to break through the squares of the comic page for a Round-2, but Iron Man ignored the Sophomore Slump and protects that je-ne-sais-quoi chemistry with evolution and emotion.

Favreau and the head office did their homework too, drafting new players that wore the jersey while bringing their own quality to the team. Sam Rockwell, Scarlett Johansson, Don Cheadle, and Sam Jackson supported the Red Suit with layers of love and hate, enhancing the dance on screen as opposed to distracting from it.

Bottom line, it’s not just worth seeing, it’s our intro to the 2010 Summer Blockbuster and it goes beyond the standard requirements of a good Box Office Open. It asks you to laugh a little, cry a little, and hold on tight while it blows sh!t up.

Iron Man 2 is approved for viewership by Hi-Jacked!