But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we can list off another year, and officially document the world’s headlines into tidy little quanta, we need a final-lap kick to reel in the ’09 finish line.
Whether you are a dancing Buddy-the-Elf type, noting your favourite Bing while Dubai-ing a monster gingerbread McMansion, or some Bad Santa brand cocktail of Scrooged-up Grinchery, December means Christmas. Some stories are of family and friends with a caroling backdrop that floats through the affectionate décor of merriment and joy. Other Holidayers, however, run from the Green-and-Red and tell a tale of distraction, accessorized by the Lonely Nog* and a general disregard for all things ‘Seasonal’. The good news is that regardless of your involvement in Christmas, the answer to your un-asked question is ‘the right Movie’.
Sometimes it’s the pressure to feeling the Christmas Spirit that asks for the right Holiday Hit, other times it’s a need for a bigger December Disaster to downplay your own catastrophe. The question could be ‘How can I bring my family together?’ or it could be ‘How can I escape my family’s togetherness?’ And even if you’re asking ‘How can I battle the spread of Joy and Happiness with Hatred for the Holiday?’ my answer remains: ‘the right Movie’.
So before we Top-10 the hell out of 2009, here’s a ‘How to Survive the Christmas Season’ movie guide:
1) Best of the Best
Watch them once, watch them once a year, watch them in July; these five flickers are one with The Christmas, firing on all cylinders and hitting heart-strings and funny-bones alike. With enough movie magic to stand without the Holiday Crutch, these films Christmas Waltz passed the rest as more than just classics; these movies are Musts!
- Fred Claus
(Of course Santa has a brother, and of course that brother has Daddy issues, and of course said brother is stuck in the fat shadow of Santa and needs money all the time... that brother had to be Vince Vaughn, you know it had to be)
- Scrooged
(It's Bill Murray as Scroog, it's perfection. The movies Tag line played around with Ghostbusters and the fact that this time it's 3 against 1)
- Bad Santa
(Willie hates Christmas and everything about it, and yet he is a department store Santa. He has a Little Helper Elf and together they plan to con-it-up and rob the place on Christmas... lessons may or may not be learned, Willie doesn't much care)
- Elf
(Will Ferrell is a grown man who thinks he is an elf - he is Buddy the Elf, James Caan is James Caan at his best not wanting to deal much with his long lost Elf son, and Zooey Deschanel is beyond gorgeous and charming and lovable, oh yeah and Santa ends up needing Buddy's help... it's Rudolph but with more Will Ferrellness)
- Home Alone
(Macaulay Culkin's little Kevin is eight years-old and his crazy family full of rambunctious, hooligan kids, and tired, worn out parents forget to bring him along on their Christmas trip to France... plus there's a couple of numb-scull house burglars who are trying to rob the 'empty' house. Kevin is oddly equipped to handle this situation and he unleashes the fury on these poor suckers)
2) Warm Your Heart
When Christmas is starting to look a little too much like just ‘the 25th of December’, these movies pull you into the spirit of the season and wash you with the strength of love. These stories remind you why Christmas has become more than just a Day-Off or a Gift Received. They awaken those sheltered thoughts that are protected from the harm of everyday life, and demonstrate the safety of our vulnerability, which lies in the hands of the ones we love. They have also been known to make grown men cry. These movies are Heartfelt and alive with Life:
- the Family Stone
(a family like any other comes home for the holidays to find laughter, tears, and anything but the easy way to get to a Merry Christmas... Moms and Sons beware, tears and hugs will be shared between you as the bond grows stonger)
- It’s a Wonderful Life
(This movie is so undeniable good that the Grinch loved it before his heart had grown those three sizes, Billy Bob's Bad Santa, Willie, cried uncontrollably, and the dude from Black Christmas let all the sorority babes live... George Bailey for President!)
- Love Actually
(Christmas is a busy time, so multitask, follow eight couples as they wade through the depths of the Christmas season in search of the old L-O-V-E)
3) Animated your Christmas Cheer
Like no other time, Christmas finds us grasping for tradition, innocence, and familiarity. The next cluster of classics are tried and true favourites that cover us in Christmas with the best of the best when it comes to customs. The Songs, the Characters, and the caring atmosphere bring us to the special place where we keep our treasured holiday memories. Great for any day of December when Christmas is needed:
- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
(You know the song, without the Red-Nosed Misfit, Santa and the gang are f&%k'd)
- Disney’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas
(You can enjoy a little Grinch Greed and mayhem while also letting your heart grown three sizes)
- A Charlie Brown Christmas
(Charlie Brown is hell-bent on finding the true meaning of Christmas... Snoppy is not interested in this at all)
- The Muppet Christmas Carol
(What chance did Michael Caine have against the likes of the Fozzie, Miss Pigster, and Kermit)
4) When you need a little Edge
Maybe you’re not interested in that fuzzy feeling, or in 'cuddliness', or in 'heartwarming'. Maybe you want Christmas to happen while you are battling-it out in the trenches, while the rough realities of life take a bite out of your Christmas Spirit. Maybe you want to put Frosty on the bench and bring a little more grit into the holiday game. Maybe you Need to forget about Caroling, say ‘F#^k tinsel, and Yippie-Kai-Yay a stocking or two. Here’s some pollution as a solution:
- Reindeer Games
(Identity fraud, the Hottie Charlize, gun play, ex-cons, a heist, and some "pecan F&$kin pie!")
- The Ref
(D. Leary just wants to cat burglar his way into a nice Christmas Present, instead he unwraps a disastrous wreck of a marriage between Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey. There's hostaging, but it's tough to tell who gets the worst of it)
- Die Hard
(John McClain… enough said, I’m feeling warm and fuzzy inside already)
- Black Christmas
(Just cause it’s Christmas doesn’t mean sorority girls can’t get murdered)
- Batman Returns
(Not a lot of Red and Green in Gothem at Christmas, mainly just Batman and all those people he's going to beat up)
- Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
(Have yourself a Film-Noir little Christmas. Full for all ages - Downey Jr. for the kid inside, and Michelle Monaghan for your grown up side)
5) Have a Very Carrey Christmas
It’s the third of December and you have already had your fill of the usual suspects. It’s a scary realization for any ChristMaster; that nagging itch in the back of your mind that teams up with the twisted pinch in the pit of your stomach to suggest that Christmas has become routine, repetitive, or worst of all, hallow. Without getting to emotionally wrecked, try a quick fix
and Carrey-Up a Classic. It’s a re-energized look a pair of well rounded holiday riches. Juggle a few hilarious Whos with a grinning green Grinch, then test the new Humbug as the 2009 issue of Scroog learns a lesson or two. Some Carrey is too small, some Carrey is too big, these Carreys are just right:- A Christmas Carol
- How the Grinch Stole Christmas
6) A Little Family Dysfunction
Whether you’re looking for a hearty Santa Style Ho-Ho-Ho chuckle, or just need to see that the calamities of the Christmas season are not picking favourites, these family fun features are the Relative Remedy. Family Frustrations are a common theme year round, but it seems that the Holidays have a special way of igniting monumental mêlées. It might have something to do with the delusional expectations surrounding the appeasing power of a gentle Christmas ballad, or it could be the weight of the anticipated perfection that the season brings on loved ones, but either way, the familial pressure is on. These catastrophic Christmas masterpieces act as both a bench mark for debacles and ironically a means for bringing the Home closer together. Reunite with these favourites:
- National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
(The Griswold tries so hard to lock down the Christmas Cheer for his family, but it's only after burnt trees, angry squirrels, and a batch of in-laws take their toll, that the true spirit of the season is found)
- The Santa Clause
(Tim Allen hits rock bottom when he kills Santa... what else could he do, presents had to be delivered)
- Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
(Oh Kevin, it would appear that since this isn't the first time you've been forgotten that you should face facts; no one likes you... Actually that wily little McCallister is as lovable as he is sly. It's round two of Kevin vs Harry and Marv)
- The Family Man
(Nick Cage catches a glimpse of a different life as he It's-a-Wonderful-Life's-it away from his cold, dark, lonely world of corporate success, and warms up to the what-if life he could have had as a Family Man)
- Four Christmases
(Two divorces, four fractured families, and a little Vince Vaughn...)
This is a complete guide, and with it comes both opportunity and danger. The many suggestions and outlined strategies can make it easy for someone to get lost in a new enthusiasm and become over committed. Do not watch all these movies, that is madness. In the right hands this Guide can be used for good, colouring anyone’s Christmas the exact shade of Green-Red that they desire. However without caution this holiday map can quickly turn to the dark side. No person should try to extend themselves beyond a Home Alone double feature, or get anymore sarcastic than the ‘either-or’ of the Bad Santas and the Refs of the world. Dehydration is a legitimate concern after one tear-filled Heartfelt Hero, and the brain goes all mushy and soft after only an hour or two in the animated world.
A little Christmas can go a long way, and hopefully this Guide can be your go-to solution for not only that all important Holiday Movie Night, but for those times when family council is a must, or lonely sorrow has settled in for the season. The question may change, but the answer usually lies in ‘the right Movie’.
It should be noted that although there are several recipes for Nog, and like the mysteries of the formula for Grandma’s Cookies, the making of a good Eggnog can get fairly private and personal, Lonely Nog is a simple twist on an old favourite: Eggnog + ‘Season’s Greetings’ (I recommend a little J-2-the-D) + Depressed-Christmas-Misery (key ingredient is actual tears) = Lonely Nog
