It’s Friday Night, the late show has reeled over with ovations, and you haven’t watched the new QT flicker. That’s just not right. You and I both are very disappointed in you; the Basterds aren’t going to watch themselves. Tarantino has had a hand in creating some of the best movies in the last fifteen years, but that might be too bold a claim to convince you that crawling through the crowds on opening night was a Must. The true guarantee is in Mr. Band-Apart’s ability to deliver cinematic riches through the good and the bad of his tall tales. Maybe Jackie Brown wasn’t the follow up to the Pulp that your anticipation had prepared you for, but it would be a full time challenge for even the heavy haters to label the film a total waste; we got to meet Sammy J’s Ordell Robbie, “AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherf&*ker in the room, accept no substitutes.” Perhaps Part 1 of the Bride was too much action-samurai and ketchup gore for your inner dialogue-junkie. Perhaps then, it was Part 2’s quotable casual rhymes that made Killing Bill an ’03-’04 movie magic memory. But perhaps still, the Tarantino double header was exactly what your Uma Sword-Swinging, Madsen Mad-Mouth heart desired. Budd: “That gentled ya down some. Ain't nobody a badass with a double dose of rock salt that deep in their tits. Not havin tits as fine or big as yours, I can't even imagine how bad that shit must sting... yet I don't want to, neither.” (the Bride spits blood into Budd's face. He wipes it away and returns the favor with a long, foul stream of tobacco juice) Budd: “I win.” Was Natural Born Killers too deep a look into the dark recesses of QT’s mind? Was his penmanship on True Romance too true for your romantic? Did you part ways with from Dusk ‘Till Dawn when the sun went down? Yes, yes, no. No, no, absolutely. Y-E-S across the board. The answers are irrelevant because even if it’s not the masterpiece that his Reservoir Dogs were, every one of his written, produced, directed films has genius working for it. And Inglourious Basterds is no different. With the grit of the Dogs, the destruction of Death Proof, Kill Bill’s revenge, Jackie B’s collection of character, and the style and swagger of the Pulp, Quentin Tarantino’s 6th gift directed towards our big screens is exactly what the QT Club needed; a taste of his Old, enough that is New, his patented Borrowed, and triumph for the Jew.
The following are not reasons to see the movie opening night, you screwed that up already, these are the montage segments that after-shocked me into knowing a second vidé of the Basterds was in my future.
Brad Pitt – As Lt. Aldo Raine Pitt is both charming and hilarious while offering all who cross his path a hypnotic southern magnetism followed by some clever violence. It takes only a few short scenes before Pitt’s mere presence on the screen draws out a chuckle, a charge, and a cheer from the audience / Basterds-in-Training. Plus he’s sporting a strong swagger to go with that badass mustache.
Lt. Aldo Raine: You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, Business is a-boomin'.
the Bear Jew – The simple fact that these Basterds have managed to develop a reputation worthy of such titles as ‘the Bear Jew’, is enough credibility in my books. Known to the Germans for wielding his blood spattered baseball bat in the direction of Nazi skulls, Sgt. Donny Donowitz brings a special brand of crazy to the band. It could be his post ‘at bat’ commentary, or his unique ability to provide a touch of entertainment for his fellow brothers, it could be his unwavering love of those special moments between ‘healthy captured Nazi’, and ‘f&@ked up pile of mess’, or it could be all of the above that make the Bear Jew a first team all-star Basterd. And who better to animate this instant Tarantino classic than the master of Gorror Films himself, the sick and twisted Eli Roth (director of such elegant carve-up Horror flicks as the ‘Hostel’ outings and 'Cabin Fever').
Lt. Aldo Raine: I need to know about Germans hiding in trees. And you need to tell me right now.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: I respectfully refuse, sir.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Actually, Werner, we're all tickled to hear you say that. Quite frankly, watching Donny beat Nazi's to death is the closest we ever get to going to the movies.
[shouts offscren]
Lt. Aldo Raine: Donny!
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: [from offscreen] Yeah?
Lt. Aldo Raine: Got us a German here wants to die for country. Oblige him.
Col. Hans Landa – Those sneaky Germans have been hiding Christopher Waltz. Buried deep within local Mini Series and trapped in the bodies of tertiary TV characters, the mastermind behind Col. Landa was a surprise inside a secret (the surprise: Christopher Waltz is a Trophy caliber actor, the secret: Landa is the star of this film). Like the ‘Jew Hunter’ that Waltz danced across the movie as, Tarantino hunted down this veiled talent and added another treasured personality to his long list of Mr. Pinks, Stuntman Mikes, and ‘the Man from Hollywood’s’ Chester (who I have a sneaking suspicion is Tarantino himself, played perfectly by Tarantino himself). Col. Hans Landa battles and wins every scene he’s in and doesn’t waste a word as he works his mesmerizing hypnotics.
Col. Hans Landa: What a tremendously hostile world that a rat must endure. Yet not only does he survive, he thrives. Because our little foe has an instinct for survival and preservation second to none... And that Monsieur is what a Jew shares with a rat.
the jagged, rusty Edge of Classic Tarantino – From the rich and vivid characters that wander around the film, to the teasing Chapter titles that divie up the movie, to the gor-tastic violence that flirts with the amusing idea of Unnecessary, Quentin smears the screen with a new twist on his unique brand of Awesome. It’s QT’s take on the War Film, and along with the brainy dialogue, mild to extreme flavors of ‘offensive’, and energized ridiculousness that true fans of his work have come to need, there’s a great patients to his telling of the crisscrossing tales that draws you in with a new curiosity. Plus there’s scalping, which I’m surprised Quentin Tarantino hasn’t worked into any of his previous cinematic quests.
[Maj. Hellstrom aims his Walther at Lt. Hicox's genitals under a table]
Major Dieter Hellstrom: That was the sound of my Walther pointed right at your testicles.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Why is your Walther pointed right at my testicles?
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: Because you are no more German than that Scotch.
[Lt. Hicox quietly aims his gun]
Lt. Archie Hicox: That makes two of us.
[Sgt. Stiglitz comes up behind Maj. Hellstrom and aggressively forces his gun into Maj. Hellstrom's crotch]
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: That makes three of us.
Hitler, the SS, and killing ‘Natzees’ – How can the suits allow QT to let his Basterds run rampant all over the big screen? You fill the opposition’s roster with a bunch of Nazi Pons, give them SS loaded special teams, and toss Adolf behind the bench. There’s no wavering, no one is questioning the actions of these lunatic Basterds, and the complaint boxes are empty. Nazis are getting invited to the big hurt and it’s a smile. The bottom line is, we are not confused about who we, as an audience, are rooting for. Nazis are bad, Basterds are killing them, we the spectator are happy.
Adolf Hitler: [slamming his hand on a table] Nein nein nein nein nein nein!
Strong QT Soundtrack – No one does movie music like this guy. Tarantino allowed for the soundtrack to distract from the film, which distracted from the actors, which distracted from the cinematography, which distracted from the story, which distracted from the soundtrack, which left the entire experience continually challenging itself to be better. Movie capitalism at its very best. From German show-tunes, to secrets from his dusty record collection, to carefully composed journeys that compared the honor of war with the heroics of the Western, every track that Tarantino laid across his footage gave power to the film. Only Quentin Tarantino is able to release Soundtracks so good that labels make compilations of his OSTs (the Tarantino Connection is without a doubt the greatest Soundtrack of Soundtracks… or the only Soundtrack of Soundtracks… either way, it’s worth a listen).
the Basterds – It’s who you came to see and they’re as Inglourious as you could hope for. It’s an all-star team of soldiers with a deep bond that unites them like a family. Sure they may be a family of American-Jews highly skilled in the art of killing the Nazi, but every family has their own little quirks. Your average Basterd isn’t much of a talker, but instead emits a persona that is equal parts ‘Unstable’, ‘Bat-Shit Crazy’, and ‘Lovable’. You want to be their friends, but at the same time you’re afraid they might use your body as a back-country snowboard. These guys are why they make sequels.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [the Basterds are breaking Sgt. Stiglitz out of jail] Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz?
[Sgt. Stiglitz nods]
Lt. Aldo Raine: Lt. Aldo Raine. These are the Basterds, ever heard of us? [Sgt. Stiglitz nods]
Lt. Aldo Raine: We just wanted to say we're a big fan of your work. When it comes to killing Nazis...
Nazi Guard: Uggghhhhaahhh
[one of the Basterds shoots him]
Lt. Aldo Raine: -I think you show great talent. And I pride myself on having an eye for that kind of talent. Your status as a Nazi killer is... still amateur. We all come here to see if you wanna go pro...
an Auditorium full of Tarantino Fanatics – Friday night, 7pm, only hours after the first projector has warmed up, there is no way any seat is being occupied by a non-fan. No one is wandering in mispronouncing Tarantino or wondering why there are only 3 scattered seats available with a half hour ‘till curtains up. This is a quality sell out. The air is charged with an energy fueled by everything from the first Basterd teaser poster to the ten second radio clip that has nearly caused accidents. And by the time the masses have reached the cinema door start-gate, the excitement has grown into a mild frenzy. Quotes from the trailer are floating around the packed house, people are watching their favourite Mr. Blonde scene on iPhones, last minute production rumors are being discussed as everyone crams for the main event. This is the audience you were meant to watch the film with. This is the audience that will back you up when you laugh at the sick sadistic line that never should have made it passed the censors. This is the audience that will cheer when the Bear Jew takes his first swing. This is the audience that will kick out new classic quotes before the end credits have even stopped rolling. You know this is the audience that QT made his movie for. They can provide the mid-movie comment that adds to the scene, they will start the applause during the fade-to-black, they certainly appreciate those secret details that only the trained Tarantino follower can spot. It’s these fanatics that bring the movie to the next level, allowing it to penetrate through the screen.
And it’s these fanatics that have been suffering through the release date countdown long enough, so jazzed for the opening credits that they can’t plan for life again until after the Friday reveal. These people take their watching as seriously as QT takes his making.
the Bad
- It’s only 2 and a half hours… I wanted more, so much more!
- With such Nazi-killing success, there will be no Part 2 for the Basterds... did somebody say Prequel though...
- It will now be cliché to carve swastikas into the foreheads of captured Nazi’s
‘Mixed Reviews’, ‘Box Office Numbers’, ‘Word of Mouth’, these are all fancy little categories that can sidetrack you from truly absorbing all the Basterds’ goodness. It breaks down like this: you should watch it, you should Big-Screen-it, and if you’re able to research it then you can unlock it, but that doesn’t matter because whether you catch it at the Theatre or not, you can be damn sure that QT will load up a Blu-Ray full of action-packed issues. The bottom line is, I loved it, and now you don’t need to read anymore reviews.
A Few Extras…
Marcel: What are we talking about?
Shosanna Dreyfus: Filling the cinema with Nazis and burning it to the ground.
Marcel: I'm not talking about that. You're talking about that.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: We punch those goons out, take their machine guns, and burst in there blasting!
Col. Hans Landa: [to a bound and blindfolded Lt. Aldo] You are now in the hands of the SS.
[raises hands in a dramatic manner]
Col. Hans Landa: My hands, to be exact.
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: Say "auf Widersehen" to your Nazi balls!
